A long time coming

I've been wanting to write this post for a week now but you know how it is.....life gets in the way.  And as I've been spending the past 36 hours taking care of my poor sick babies (the Hubs included), I can't help but feel so compelled to write about this.  Let me start by saying that I am not one to openly discuss what I'm truly feeling.  I'm not good with emotional stuff.  I can offer advice to anyone on emotional topics but when it comes to me, I try my hardest to avoid talking about it.  So this is huge for me.  But so vital to the process that I'm going through right now.

A very wise person told me that people who have successful relationships are those people who put themselves out there, 100%, each and every day.  They are vulnerable in every way possible, no matter what the situation.

How true this statement is!  Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is key in a healthy, safe relationship.  This allows you to truly be present, to be in it 100%, to experience everything to it's fullest.  So why then is it so hard for me to do this?  That's all I can think about.  What has made me so afraid to truly open myself up to anyone?  And even more so, why is it so hard to open up 100% to the Hubs?

I'd like to think that I'm 100% in my every day life but let's face it.  I'm not.  With all of the technology out there, it's so easy to get distracted from the things that are truly important.  I used to get mad at the Hubs when he'd complain I was on Facebook or Twitter wherever I was (my phone has made it so handy).  It boiled my blood when he'd say that.  But in retrospect, it's so true.  I'm constantly looking at FB whenever I get a chance.  How much is that taking away from the Hubs and the kids?  There have been tons of times I've told the kids, "hold on, Mommy's almost done" when they've asked me to do something for them or with them.  Want to know what I was doing???  Playing on the computer.  I put the computer above my kiddos.  How bad is that?!?!  {Now I'm not saying I'm not going on the computer anymore...let's be real...Momma needs a little break from time to time plus she needs to keep up with her faves online!  But I am reevaluating things}

My biggest fear in life is failing at being a Mom.  All I've ever wanted to be was a Mom and now that I am one, I know I'm not the mom I always imagined myself to be.  Mostly because the mom I dreamed I would be only exists on TV and in books.  There are not enough hours in the day for me to accomplish everything I ever thought I would.  But I can come as close to that dream as possible.  And while my 2 precious angels are sicker than sick, I'm truly seeing how much they rely on me for everything.  Why not give them 100% of me?!?

And while we're on the subject....why not give the Hubs 100%?  He deserves that for putting up with me on a daily basis.  A great friend told me that I needed to be the best wife I could possibly be to the Hubs.  Those words rang loud and clear.  While I haven't been giving my kids 100%, I definitely haven't been giving our relationship 100%.  It's easy to get comfortable and ultimately get lazy.  And unfortunately, that's where we find ourselves.  We're working on getting back on track and while I'd love to blame the Hubs for everything, I just can't.  I am just as responsible for the state of our relationship.  I've gotten just as lazy as he has. Plus I have that tinyhuge problem with opening up.  But as I've had time to reflect on my life, where things are, and where I want them to be, I've realized that it's not all up to him.  I have to step up.  I have to put myself out there every day.  I have to get over my insecurities because at the end of the day, I'm surrounded by the 3 people who love me the most in this entire world.  Because without those 3 people, my world is empty.

So from now on, that's what I'm doing.  I'm putting myself out there.  100% every day.  100% every time.  I know it will be hard and I know it will be challenging but who say this stuff was easy?!?  God doesn't throw anything at us that we can't handle.  And while it may seem like it is way too much to take, I know that I can handle it.  It's going to be a slow process but one that I'm looking forward to embarking on.

Wish me luck.....

On a side note...Happy 34th Birthday to the Hubs!  I feel horrible that he's so miserable (he got the stomach bug that ripped through our house) but we'll celebrate once everyone's back on their feet again.  I love you Hubs....more than you'll ever realize!!!!

At the Rays game on Saturday (about 1 hour before the stomach bug attacked me)