Let's start with the parents. Sometimes they are completely normal. Other times they are straight crazy. These are just a few gems (the first is my favorite!)
Patient's mother: Miss Jessie (this is what she calls me)
Mom: Will you take (insert pt's name here) on a date? He's never taken a girl out on a date before so we want him to go out with you on a practice date
Me: ummmmmm (speechless and turning red)
Mom: we've set aside $300 for the date so wear something nice
Cue me walking out of the room and closing the door
This one gets me all the time. Newly diagnosed patient comes to clinic for chemo. When reviewing follow up appointments:
Me: Ok we'll see you tomorrow for chemo
Parent: we have to come back again?!?!?!
Me: well yes, we have to follow the roadmap and your child is due for chemo every day this week
Parent: every day?!?!?!!?
Me: um yes. We want to really take care of this cancer and chemo's the way to go
Parent: how many times do we HAVE to come here?
Me: well treatment lasts for over 3 years so a lot
Parent: Are you kidding me?!?!?!
What I want to say....For real?!?! Your kid has cancer and you're complaining about having to come to the doctors for treatment?!?! What's wrong with you???
What I actually say: Unfortunately I'm not kidding. See you tomorrow!
Now, my favorite part....the kids. My favorite age range is 2-5 years old. For some reason this age group steals my heart. I have a group of great patients in this age range that I affectionately refer to as my kiddos.
Patient: Miss Jessica
Me: Yes (insert name here)
Patient: you know what
Patient: you're the boss!!!
This patient's mom told me this story first but I loved hearing him tell me it. He was wearing pj's that said "I'm the boss" when he was on the inpatient unit. One of the nurses said, "Oh (pt's name), you're the boss?" He replied, "No Miss Jessica's the boss!!!" He's also the same patient that calls me Toots or Sweets or Sweetheart whenever he sees me. He makes me love my job!
Let me set this one up....this next patient stole my heart. I was his nurse when we told his parents he had leukemia and he's been a fave ever since. For Valentine's Day he brought all of us roses. For St Patrick's Day he brought gold coins. So on Valentine's Day his mom said:
Mom: What do you tell everyone?
Patient: Happy April Fools!!!
Fast Forward to St Patrick Day:
Mom: What do you tell everyone?
Patient: Happy April Fools!!!!
I can't wait to see what he'll say now that April Fool's Day has come and gone!
Patient: Can you please stop talking to my mom and finish. I want to eat tacos
Her nurse was talking to her parents about how she's doing and obviously wasn't accessing her port in a timely manner
Patient: I am DONE with tubey (we affectionately refer to their ports and IV lines as their tubeys)
Me: I know. We're done with tubey for the entire week. Tubey will come back next week
Patient: No I mean I'm DONE with tubey forever because tubey is boring
This patient just finished her first week of treatment...she has a LOT more tubey left!
These are just some of the crazy things I hear. I could go on and on. Some are straight off the wall, like where did you come up with that statements. Others are so unexpected they catch you off guard. Just another reason why I love my job...you never know what you're going to hear!