Am I THAT mother???

Growing up I had grand visions of the way my adult life would turn out.  I'd be married (check) with the perfect kids (check).  I'd be that amazing stay at home mom who always had the best meals prepared, the cleanest house, who had cutesy crafts/projects for the kids, and who took their kids to storytime and playgroups, etc (definitely NOT check).  I am anything but that vision I had growing up.  I work crazy hours.  I kinda hate cooking.  I'm not above giving the kids lunchables and the occasional soda. There's always some form of chaos in my house. I do like to do cutesy crafts for my kids classes and teachers. But I don't go to story time or playgroups.  I tried to get in the routine of taking Em to story time but all the moms there bothered me.  {Side note....The moms at my story time are very snobby.  If you're not a "regular" you're an outsider.  They talk about all the play groups they go to around the county and plan their children's daily routine around these events.  I'm sorry I only have 1 day off during the week and most of the time I'm too tired to get out of my PJs.  But that doesn't mean you have to give me the stink eye when I occasionally show up to story time.  I'm still a good mom, regardless of the number of story times/playgroups/etc I attend in a given month (which is usually a big fat zero)}  While I'm not overly concerned with the amount of Mercury my kids are getting exposed to, I am a tad bit crazy when it comes to one thing.....babysitters.


Yes my friends....I'm terrified to find babysitter for my kids. 


We have been fortunate enough that we haven't had to put our kids in daycare.  Our parents are amazing and bend over backwards to help us out on that front.  If the Hubs and I want to have a date night, we schedule it around our parents schedules.  If we don't have a parent to watch the kids, we just don't go out.  The kids have only been watched by 1 non-family member...ever....and it's only because it was my USF graduation and everyone wanted to be there for it.  So it was the Hubs's boss and it was only for 3 hours.  And I was stressed those entire 3 hours.


It's not that I don't believe in babysitters.  Heck, I babysat my entire middle school/high school years.  But the thought of leaving my kids with a teenager pushes me to the max.  I start itching, breaking out in hives, having chest pain....full on panic.  I've tried to avoid this part of parenthood with all my might but I've realized (with the prodding by a handful of people) that it's time to take the plunge.  Time to face the extreme anxiety inducing dilemma head on and find a babysitter.  And you know what, one fell right into my lap!  An adorable young lady, who I have known since she was in Kindergarten, just happens to love my kiddos and loves to babysit.  My mom even gave her the stamp of approval (she's a former student at my mom's school who just graduated middle school).  So I sucked up the anxiety and asked her if she'd be interested in sitting for us and her face lit up.  She gave me her number and told me to text her whenever (weird that I'm now texting a 14 year old).  


There.  I had done it.  I had conquered my fear. 


Yeah right!


The anxiety heightened more than I ever imagined.  Now I have this cute girl hoping that I'll call her. Now I have this girl who actually wants to babysit for me.  Now I have to let her watch them.  Without us.  OMG!


So what did I do?  Ignored her for a while (great strategy I thought).  But out of the blue, I get a text from her saying "Hi Jessica!  It's ________".  She's just saying hi.  How cute yet how weird?!?  I said hi back then got a text that took me about 10 minutes to decipher (I am just not cool enough to understand teenage text abbreviations).  But I figured it out and found out what she charges, what hours she's allowed to babysit, and her summer plans.  She seems excited.


Does this mean I have a babysitter?
Does this mean I have to leave my kids with her?
Does this make me a I'm a legit crazy person for stressing over a babysitter?


I'm sure it does.  


Could someone pass me some Benadryl? I think I'm breaking out in hives......