2013 is going to be the Year of Jess

I just have this feeling.  The feeling that this year is going to be a great one for me.  I probably said this last year which is why I'm not going to do a recap of my 2012 goals.  I really don't feel like starting the year off depressed.  Instead I want to start the year off with a positive attitude.

I had a lot of wake up calls in 2012.  I realized that people are not invincible. I dealt with another loss of a grandparent.  I am so blessed that I spent 29 years with all 4 of my grandparents.  I know not many people can say that.   But losing both my grandpas, with one of my grandmas currently in the hospital, really started to make things register for me.  Life is precious and we can't take it for granted.  I really want to make 2013 the year of memories for my family.  Living in the now.  Taking advantage of everything that comes our way.  Show my kids what it means to live life.

My marriage was another wake up call last year.  Without going into too much detail, mainly because there really are some topics that need to stay off the blog, we almost called it quits.  That's a difficult thing to swallow.  No one expects to be on the brink of divorce when they get married.  I would have never thought things would come to this.  But we wanted to do everything we could to figure things out.  We found a great counselor and learned a lot about communication.  We're two stubborn kids who don't know when to just calm down and listen.  I'd love to say that everything was his fault (and I might to my friends) but I know I share just as much blame.  I want this year to be about rekindling that spark.  Getting back to that amazing place we once were together.

Obviously health and weight are huge areas I need to focus on.  I've had a few health issues this year and I really don't feel like repeating them this year.  I want to make 2013 a year of healthy choices and good decisions.  Not only because I need to be healthier myself but because of my kids.  I really want to be a good example for them.  If this means our grocery bill sees a few extra dollars each week, then so be it.  My kids are young and I want to instill good choices and good decision making in them now so when they get to be my age, they're not blogging about how they wish they'd done something differently the year before.

Weight will always be at the forefront for me.  I've struggled for years.  I've lost weight and gained it back (and repeated this cycle a few times).  I always say this time is the last time yet here I sit, ready to give it another try.  But not this year.  I had a very rude awakening to my own body issues and how it affects not only me but the people around me.  Case in point...we like to go to a local pizza place and there's a Yogurtland and an ice cream shop on either side.  I go for fro yo every time and most of the time, Em comes with me.  The boys go for the real stuff.  This last time we were getting ready to walk out of Yogurtland and I was helping Em get her jacket on.  We were in front of the store window so we could see our reflections.  As I was zipping up her jacket, Em looks in the window and says "Ugh I'm so fat Mommy."  Break my heart into a million pieces right there.  My sweet sweet girl, who is actually underweight for her age, is looking at her reflection and calling herself fat.  Now I'm sure she has no idea what that word really means but obviously she's heard it and learned to associate it with looking in the mirror from someone.  I have never felt like such a failure in my life.  So from here on out, it's not about focusing on numbers.  Yes, I'd love to see a number show up on the scale that's about 40-50 lbs lighter than it says today.  But I need to focus on loving me, loving the girl I am, and loving the body I have at this current moment.  Because if I don't figure this out, I'm going to have a little girl who will follow right in my footsteps, regardless if she's got a weight issue or not.  (if anyone has any advice on this front, please please please send it my way)

I think this year I'm going to take it one step at a time.  I'm not going to put unrealistic goals and expectations on myself.  I'm going to make this year about a healthier me, both physically and mentally.  It sounds kinda selfish that I plan on this year being all about me.  But I've learned the hard way the hard way that I cannot and will not be any good for anyone else if I don't take care of myself.  I can't be the mom that I want to be, the wife that I want to be, the friend that I want to be, the Jessica I want to be without putting some focus back on myself.

So here's to me.  May this year be the year that it finally clicks.  That I finally realize that taking care of me is just as important as taking care of my kids, the Hubs, or my patients. That I can look in the mirror and love the girl I see staring back at me.

Happy 2013!!!