Tuesday, February 12, 2013

That moment when you realize you're done

I always knew I was going to have kids.  I had dreams of being a pediatrician (glad that one didn't work out) but deep down, I always wanted to be a Momma.  I imagined what they'd look like, what we'd do, what their names would be.  But I never really thought of the number of kids I would have. Well I knew I didn't want an only child.  Sorry to all the only children out there but it's not for me and my life.  But other than that, I was open to a reasonable amount of children.  You weren't going to find me on TLC with a reality show about me and my million kiddos.  No way. No how.

Then I fell in love, got married, and ended up preggers a few years too soon.  It's amazing how quickly people start asking you when you're having another baby once you've popped one out.  We purposely waiting until Noah was 2.5yrs old before getting pregnant with Em.  We wanted him to be the baby for a while. But then came the discussion (or debate in our world).  How many kids will we have?  When will be be done?  For the Hubs, he was done with Em (this was all before we found out she was a girl).  He was happy and set on 2 kids.  His rationale was flawed in my mind.  4 is a nice even number.  Rides at Disney are easier with 4.  That's a good number for booking airplane seats. (WTF???  We don't fly anywhere)  I thought he was a crazy person.  I wasn't sure that I was done.  I wasn't sure that 2 was going to be enough.  And there was always the chance that the baby I was carrying wasn't a girl.  I'm not going to lie.  I wanted a daughter.  I wasn't going to keep having kids until I got a girl but I sure wasn't going to give up my dream of a girl after just 2 kids.  So we made a deal (well I think I'm the only one who thought we did).  If we were having a girl, we'd probably be done.  If it was a boy, I got one more shot at a girl.  I did get nightmares of having 3 crazy boys running around the house but I was almost willing to take that risk.

The day of our ultrasound was one of the funniest days.  We told the tech that we wanted to know the sex and when she said "it's a girl" the Hubs jumped up and down in glee.  No for real.  He was jumping up and down like a little girl.  In his mind, he was done.  I was so excited to have a girl and not really thinking about not having any more kids.  But we did come to an agreement that we were pretty much done.  Whenever anyone asked when we were having our next kiddo, we both would answer never.  Every so often I'd get a twinge of baby feelings but they were usually squashed by screaming children, fighting, or all the other fabulous behaviors that usually deter people from having children.  The Hubs almost made it a permanent decision before I had a major meltdown/panic attack.  I didn't want anymore children but I wasn't ready to make that a permanent decision.  God love the Hubs.  He handled my crazy and backed off of the subject.

One morning on my drive to work (at the intersection of Park and 49th St) I had this major epiphany.  I am totally done having children.  Yes. I said it.  I'm not having any more children.  Why God decided to use that time and that location to show me this, I have no idea.  He truly does work in mysterious ways.  But in that moment, I became completely at peace with the decision that our family is complete.  I can now hold babies and not feel that pull at my heart, that it's not complete.  I look at my family and feel proud of what we are.  Plus I can't even begin to imagine how to share my love with another child.  I am absolutely, head over heels, in love with my kids. They are my everything.

So to everyone who has been praying that I'll be giving this world another blonde hair, blue eyed cutie, I'm sorry to disappoint.  But I am truly happy with my decision, our decision.  The Hubs got to this point really quickly. I just had to take the scenic route to get there.

I know how blessed I am.  I am so blessed my heart spills over.
Love my Mini Me
My loves
My amazing family


  1. Such cute family photos! I died at, "That's a good number for booking airplane seats. (WTF??? We don't fly anywhere)"...I have no idea how many we will have, now that we're almost married two years we hear ALL the time when we're having one, OY.

  2. Thanks for sharing! It was interesting to hear how you came to your decision. I know we want to have more kids, but I don't know how many, and I already worry about how I'll know when it's time to throw in the towel. But, I trust God will give me the family I'm meant to have!

    I LOVE these pictures, too. What perfect family photos! You have a beautiful family!