Knowing when to "Let It Go"

I wrote this post last week for the Tampa Bay Moms Blog.  I've explained all of the stress that have been going on in my life and this post was like therapy for me.  I love writing so much but the experience I had writing this post was truly organic.  The words just flowed and it turned into the piece I'm most proud of.

I feel like it's been so long since I've been on the blog that I should re-introduce myself. Hi, I'm Jess. I'm a full time working Momma who just learned the biggest Mommy lesson of all time: Knowing when to Let It Go (like the Frozen reference???  Gotta thank Debbie for that one! There will be more than one of these references so bear with me!)

As moms, we're charged with handling (or juggling in my case) so many tasks at one time on a daily basis. Keeping our children alive and happy, keeping our husbands/boyfriends/partners happy, managing the household and everything that comes with it, school responsibilities, extra curricular responsibilities, social obligations, and throw work responsibilities on top of it if you're a working Momma like me. When you sit down and look at everything a mom is responsible for, it's amazing we're all not in the looney bin by now. That's a lot of responsibility and pressure to put on one person. And to make it worse, we're so critical and judgmental towards our fellow Moms. We're expected to handle it all with grace and poise and not let everyone see we're falling apart at the seams.

That's where I found myself the past few months. Trying to hold everything together as best as I could while my life was spiraling out of control. I can't help but think of the amazing song "Let It Go" from Frozen. First off let me say that I absolutely adore this movie and the soundtrack. Granted we've been listening to it nonstop since it came out, to the point where I pretend the CD isn't in my car anymore, but it's still amazing. Just listening to "Let It Go" has brought me to tears before. The message is so powerful.

Don't let them in. Don't let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know. Well now they know

I was struck by that lyric. That's exactly what I was doing! I was drowning on a daily basis but I was putting on the happy face. You know the one. The one that makes everyone else think everything is fine when it's anything but. We've been dealing with my daughter's health issues with no answers. My son had a seizure at school, which was the worst day of my life. I had another kidney stone. My husband had a heart scare. I had just switched jobs. School and dance and family obligations were piling up. There was no light at the end of my tunnel. I was putting on a brave face each and every day. I was acting like nothing was going on, that there was no stress in my life.

One day I realized that I couldn't hide it anymore. There was no way I could pretend like it wasn't too much for me. That's when it hit me...I have to let it go. I have to stop pretending that I have everything under control. I learned to say no. I took a step back from some of the things I was involved in. That's why you haven't seen me on the blog since Christmas. I had to focus on the most important thing in my life, my family.

You know what I realized? I realized it was okay to say no. It was okay to let other people know you're overwhelmed and need help. I learned it's okay to feel like you're drowning because you're not the only one. I realized I'm not the first mom, nor will I be the last mom, to be going through what I was going through. I realized I didn't have to be the picture perfect portrait of Motherhood. Being a mom is wonderful and a dream come true but it's messy and crazy and it's hard. I've finally come to terms with that. I've become okay with knowing I'm not going to live up to society's expectations of what a Mother should be. I'm okay with that because the only opinions that matter are my children's and they think I'm doing an amazing job!

It's time to see what I can do. To test the limits and break through. No right. No wrong. No rules for me. I'm free. 

When the body turns against you

To say that we've been unlucky in the health department is an understatement.  We have a crazy high deductible for our insurance. We usually meet our deductible by the end of the year but this year, we've already hit it.  It's only April people!  We actually hit it in March.. Can someone please throw us a bone???

We all know I get kidney stones.  I tend to get them once every 3 months.  I started off the year with a stone, no big deal. A quick trip to the ER and I was as good as new.  My newest ailment is my knee.  I finally got my butt off the couch and started running again.  I actually felt good running for the first time in my life. I was motivated and finally prepared mentally to start making running a part of my life.  But of course, my body had other plans.  A few Saturdays ago, I went to get something out of the dryer and felt the most intense burning pain I have ever felt in my life.  After hobbling along for a week, I saw the orthopedic surgeon who diagnosed me with plica syndrome.  Pretty much crazy inflammation of my plica that is controlled by either steroids or surgery.  I just finished a course of oral steroids and my knee doesn't feel any better.  I go back in a few weeks to see whether or not I get a cortisone injection or a surgery date to fix the plica.  It could also be a torn meniscus but they wouldn't know that until they get in my knee.  Either way I'm not looking forward to my next visit.

The Hubs had a pretty big scare in March.  He called me at work saying his blood pressure was like 150s/100s.  Not exactly what I wanted to hear.  He was having some chest tightness and tingling as well so I took him to the ER.  He ended up spending the night for observation since he fits the heart attack description: overweight male in his 30s, who doesn't eat well or exercise, with a ridiculous family history of heart disease.  Thankfully his work up was all negative and he was able to go home the next day.  He is on blood pressure meds, which are working pretty nicely, and he's (slowly) making some healthy lifestyle changes.

Emmy has always been a puzzle when it comes to her health.  I think I've talked about it before but she gets sick every 3 weeks like clockwork.  It's always the same too.....fevers, runny nose, cough, sore throat, and skin rashes.  We've been seeing an Immunologist since August and we've stumped her.  All of her work up has been negative but they are still concerned (as am I).  Finally I broke down and discussed her health history with one of my Bone Marrow Transplant docs who specializes in Immunodeficiencies (and who I respect and trust and who is absolutely brilliant).  She suggested we scan her sinuses and maybe it's a really bad case of chronic sinusitis.  So we did and her sinuses were packed.  We started her on 21 days of antibiotics.  I was so relieved and hopeful that this was our answer. Well sure enough, she got sick like clockwork, even on antibiotics.  Our Immunologist is out on maternity leave so we saw the nurse practitioner (who I adore) and we've stumped her as well.  Thankfully everyone is reaching out to their colleagues around the nation to see if anyone else has any ideas.  We have to come up with some answers soon because Emmy has a lot of exciting things on the horizon (stay tuned for a post on it!!!)

So that leaves Noah.  He had a seizure on Valentine's Day. Thankfully he's okay and has not had any further seizures but we don't have any answers.  We're left with a ton of "whys" which leaves me constantly on edge. It was the worst experience of my life.  There's so much emotion that I'm still feeling because of this.  I'm so thankful he's okay and that we haven't had any other issues but I feel like I'm changed because of it.  It's hard to explain.  That day is forever etched in my brain and I can't help but play it over and over in my mind. I'll explain more tomorrow.

Other than that, we're hunky-dory over in the Crimella house.  I'm impatiently awaiting the day when I can say we're all totally healthy at the same time!!!
   

I'm out from under my rock

Man....I can't believe I haven't written since the beginning of January!  That should tell you how my months have been.  I don't even know where to begin. Here's a quick run down of all the things that have happened:

~We're still dealing with Emmy being sick every 3 weeks.  We're no closer to an answer than we were in August.  Total frustration on our end
~Noah had a seizure on Valentine's Day.  Thankfully he's okay but no one could give us a reason why he had one. That was probably the worst day of my life. No lie.
~The Hubs spent the night in the hospital with high blood pressure, chest pain/tightness, and numbness and tingling.  He's fine and is on meds to control his blood pressure.
~Thankfully I've only had 1 kidney stone this year.
~Oh I did mess up my knee and might need surgery

Doesn't that sound like enough?  Well add on all of our family commitments, social commitments, dance commitments, and school commitments and you're looking at a woman who needs about 40 hours in a day rather than 24.  I found myself completely drowning in day to day life.  It's taken a long time for me to get back to feeling like myself, hence the HUGE vacay from blogging (although writing is so therapeutic for me so I probably shouldn't have abandoned it).  But I'm back, ready for a fresh start, and needing to get a lot off my chest.

I finally have a smile on my face!

My best NYE ever

I spent yesterday in my pajamas enjoying everyone's NYE pictures and stories.  I loved seeing everyone all dressed up and having a good time.  I even found myself wishing I was in some of those pictures.  But the more I found myself drifting away with those thoughts, I was brought back to reality by the voices of my sweet children.  And you know what?  In that instant, it hit me.  I wouldn't have traded our NYE for anything in the world.

After I got home from work (which ended up being a few hours later than I had hoped), we took the kids to our favorite pizza place.  My gluten intolerance didn't like this choice but I wasn't letting that get in the way of our fun.  After having a great time at dinner, the kids wanted dessert but Yogurtland and the ice cream shop near by were closed.  So on to our back up plan....McDonalds ice cream cones!  My kids can eat ice cream like its their job.  On the way home, the Hubs and I were trying to explain the significance of NYE to the kids.  On a whim, I said that this would be the only night that they can stay up as late as they want.  You would have thought I gave them the keys to the world.  Noah exclaimed "I'm a grown up now!!!" Emmy was just excited that we weren't going to force her into bedtime.

The Hubs watched some football and the kids watched Disney Channel.  I finally got to see Up and Wall-E.  Noah looked like death warmed over but he was determined to stay up til midnight.  I might have cheated a little and took a quick 30 minute nap on the couch.  We switched the channel just in time to start the countdown to 2014, although I'm not quite sure Noah saw it drop.  He was practically asleep on the couch.

Still hanging in there

As the ball dropped, I got to share a New Years kiss with the loves of my life.  I wasn't out watching fireworks and sipping champagne in my sparkly outfit.  I was in baggy sweatpants, hair a mess, covered by my children on the couch with my husband on the loveseat. I wasn't at a swanky party but I was at the most amazing party I can think of.  I was with the people that bring me the most joy and I couldn't imagine being anywhere else.
    

Tangled Party: AKA Momma Gets Crafty

Let's jump in the time machine and head back to the summer.  Emmy turned 4 in August and, of course, wanted a Princess Party.  Every party she's ever had has been a princess one.  She was a 1st Birthday Princess.  Then there was Little Mermaid and Brave.  So which princess would be the lucky one for her 4th?  Rapunzel of course!!!  So I did what any good mom would do....create a party board on Pinterest!!!!

I had originally bought the standard party store decorations but with a week to go before the party, I shifted gears and went completely homemade for everything.  I made the Hubs take most of the decorations back and used the money for my craft supplies.  I found a few pins for bunting and other decorations.  I cut out the sun logo that's seen throughout Rapunzel's kingdom and got to work.  I painted it on the bunting.  I made paper lanterns.  I braided 25 feet of yarn to make a Rapunzel braid to decorate our entry way with.  Each girl got a Rapunzel braid on a ponytail holder to wear for the party.  I even made the Magic Golden Flower that gives Rapunzel's hair its magic powers.  I might have gone a little overboard for a 4 year old's party but I had so much fun doing it.  I have set a high standard for myself for future parties though.

Without further adieu....Emmy's decorations!!!!

Making my templates for the bunting and paper lanterns

Paper lanterns in full effect

Tea staining my Wanted Posters

25 foot Rapunzel Braid

Rapunzel braids for all the girls

It turned out really nice

I love the way the lanterns looked!!!

I'm so happy with how it turned out.  I don't know if I'd change a thing.  It wasn't overtly Tangled but if you saw the movie, you appreciated the touches I did.  I'm so thrilled with the cupcakes I made that they're getting their own post!!!  Probably the most exciting thing that I've done so far in my baking career!!!!

Life Gets In The Way

Hi friends. 

It's been a long time.  

I didn't mean to take such a break from you but I needed to. I needed a break to get my head straight. My life was spiraling out of control but not in the "I'm in so over my head that I have no idea how to get out" way. Out of control as in I felt the weight of everything looming over my head. That in a matter of seconds, the other shoe was going to drop and everything would fall apart at the seams. Every aspect of my life was being affected. Work was taking a HUGE toll on me and my mental well being. I felt pulled in a million different directions between home, the kids school, work, and my commitments and I couldn't do it anymore. 

So I took a step back. This was a big deal for me. I live in a constant state of stress. I always have a million things being juggled at any one time. But I'm proud of myself for coming to this realization. I don't think I've ever truly said this is too much for me to handle before. I took a leave from my TBMB commitment (thanks again to my amazing contributors who understood). I put blogging on the back burner (although I miss documenting all the awesome things that we've experienced lately).  I've relaxed a little more than I usually do. I've made some career decisions that I'm excited to share with everyone. I'm making decisions that bring joy, not stress, to my life. 

It means a lot to have a new focus. A new outlook. 

Ignore the Hubs......he doesn't like my constant picture taking! But I love this pic because I feel like I look happy and relaxed. Exactly what this break was for.....

Jessica 

Hi. My Name is Jess and I'm a Bad Blogger

It's true. I'm a horrible blogger. I can't believe I haven't posted in over a month! I have so many things to catch up on.  I wish I could say that my month was filled with tons of amazing adventures but it wasn't.  We took a trip for a wedding and then it was time to focus on back to school.  Now that school is in its second week, I think I can start catching up with documenting my life.

Here's just some things we have to talk about:

~Em's dance recital (from way back in June.....slacker!!!!)
~Our Pensacola trip
~My new niece
~The time I pinterested a party (Em's birthday party)
~Em's birthday post
~First day of school
~Work stuff
~I turned 31
~Flavor Run
~Things I've realized this summer

Here's a few pics from our summer (courtesy of the good ol IG):

Making Top Gun look good at the National Aviation Museum in Pensacola

That time I actually looked pretty good

Meeting our niece on the day she was born

Pinterested a Tangled party

Noah's first 5K....The Flavor Run

First day of school.....Em was excited I promise.  She just didn't want her picture taken

Disney Vacay Part 8: What We Learned

I know I've posted all of the amazing fun that we had on vacation.  But trust me, it was not all fun and games. There were times when I wanted to go home (or send certain family members home).  The Hubs and I definitely learned a lot from this trip that we'll keep in mind for future vacations, even if they're not to Disney.

~The biggest thing we realized is that we can't schedule too much in one day. My kids do not like to trapped in a strict schedule.  I don't know if that's because we're on summer vacation or what but they did not like having to eat at specific times, having to go to certain places on certain days, or being told they had to do what we had planned.  My OCD kicks into high gear when it comes to planning trips for my family.  I had every day planned out from the minute we woke up to the minute we went to bed.  After the first day, I realized that things were going to have to just go with the flow. The only thing that was set in stone was our dining reservations.  I think by the end of the week I was okay with waking up and letting the day unfold as it did.

~Don't push a sick kid to do more than they should.  Poor Noah said the outside of his ear hurt before we even left on vacation.  It wasn't red or anything so I thought nothing of it.  He had moments where he was a total terror.  His behavior was horrible and he just wasn't himself.  When he had his worst day on Tuesday (aka he cried all morning and asked to just go back to the hotel) we knew something was up.  Poor kid asked me to take him to a doctor.  And after 4 hours in Urgent Care, we walked out with a diagnosis of Swimmers Ear (External ear infection) and ear drops.  Now we had behavior issues the rest of the week with him but he got a little better once his ear pain started to go away.  I'm not going to sit here and say that it was all because of his ear.  That factored in a lot but he just had some challenges.  But all in all, the good behavior outweighed the bad.

~Keep in mind that you child might freak out with characters, no matter how many times you see them or how many times they say they won't.  We had 5 character dining experiences scheduled.  2 were with the princesses.  The other 3 were with the Disney classics.  Em tends to freak out with any character that isn't a person.  She wigs out when Mickey comes around.  She has no problem with Minnie or Daisy (because they're girls) but bring Mickey or Pluto around and she FREAKS!  She cried and panicked and hid for almost every meal.  Definitely something I thought it might happen but didn't expect it on that level.  She's turning 4 in a few weeks but it was still a scary experience for her.  You might want to take your child's fear level into consideration when you're scheduling character dinings.  I didn't take it into enough consideration.

~Be in the moment.  I'm guilty of being attached to my phone, attached to social media at all times.  I made a conscious effort to detach as much as I could and just enjoy my family.  I didn't take as many pictures as I normally would. I used my good camera and my phone's camera.  Am I upset about that?  Yes and no.  I'm upset because I only have like 200 pictures instead of the 1000 I expected to have.  But instead of hiding behind my camera, I was playing with the kids.  I was enjoying my family.  I was loving the time we were spending.  And I actually relaxed. It was perfect. It was what I needed.  What we needed.

Disney Vacay Part 7: Family Fun

The best way to describe the fun we had as a family is through pics.  So again, I'm going to totally go overboard with my pictures!!!!  Enjoy!!!!

The kiddos having fun

Epcot fun

That was Noah's legit score on Buzz Lightyear.  The best possible score is 999,999

Getting ready for lunch with the Princesses

Riding on a Disney Bus for the first time.  This kid has waited all his life for this and it was his absolute favorite experience.  Pure joy in his smile!

The many faces of Em.  These poses happened in 6 pictures in a 5 minute time frame.  And who taught my 3 year old to "duck face"?

The crazy Crimella's

This picture totally sums up my family!!!!

Disney Vacay Part 6: Cinderella's Castle

If you've never been in Cinderella's Castle, you are seriously missing out.  I'm lucky enough to say that I've been inside the castle 3 times now.  The Hubs took my for dinner there for my birthday the first year we were together.  It was amazing.  Then for our anniversary last year we went again.  He managed to snag a table by the window so I could see the fireworks as we ate.  He's not a dummy that Hubs.  He's a good one!  So when we booked our vacation, we decided that we were going to celebrate our last night in Orlando in Cinderella's Castle.  We kept it a surprise from the kids for months.  I'm so proud of this!  5 months is a long time to spell "castle" around a kid that can spell now.  It's a daunting task.  

We spent all day Thursday hanging out at the hotel.  It was our "pool" day.  Then we got all dressed up and headed to our "secret dinner." Noah had fun trying to guess where we were going based on where we were on the road. He was excited for Magic Kingdom but never thought we'd be eating in the castle.  We had a minor behavior issue prior to dinner but everyone calmed down and ended up having a great time.

When you enter Cinderella's Castle, you're greeted by the princess herself!  Everyone was excited to take a picture with her and it turned out to be the only family picture that I got all week that is "wall worthy" aka I can hang it up. Both kids were smiling!  Mom win right there!!!

Our family picture from vacation

Then, in grand fashion, our name was called to head up the beautiful staircase to the dining room. Once in the dining room, we were escorted to our table where we were referred to as "Lord" and "Lady" all night long. A girl can get used to that!!!  The kids were each given a blue wishing star (to be used in a wishing ceremony later on) and a sword/fairy wand.  They were big hits!  Throughout the meal, different princesses were introduced and made their way around to every table.

I promise she's happy

Handsome man

I will be photoshopping that straw out of the picture later(and maybe Emmy's ridiculous facial expression)

Funniest story ever.....Noah tends to just talk and talk and talk to the princesses no matter how many times he says he hates meeting them.  Well this night was like none other.  Princess Jasmine stopped by our table, which made Em's entire vacation.  She's talking to the kids and Noah's being silly as usual.  Then, out of nowhere, he sticks his hand down his shirt.  We're all asking him what he's doing (Jasmine included) and he pulls out a crayon.  I have no idea how a crayon ended up in his shirt or where he actually found it or why he thought it was a good idea to do it with the princess standing next to him but the entire table lost it.  We were all hysterical, Jasmine included.  She tried so hard to stay in character but I think she laughed for a good 5 minutes.  I felt so bad for her because you could tell that she wanted to fall over laughing but had to stay in character.  Major props to her!!!

Poor girl didn't stand a chance.  And notice how funny Noah thinks he is.  Priceless moment. 

I won't even begin to talk about the food.  It's amazing!  Hands down, one of the best places to eat at Disney. 3 courses of amazing flavors.  The Hubs dreams of the steak he's had there.  And the kids get to create their own cupcakes. How cool is that?!?!?

He caught me sneaking a pic of him

And the silliness continues

Admiring his creation

She loved hers!!!

Between the amazing food, the beautiful Princesses, and the outstanding decor, everyone should experience a meal in Cinderella's Castle!  You can have breakfast, lunch or dinner.  I've only been for dinner but I can only imagine how nice breakfast is.  Plus, if you get a reservation before the park opens, you have the opportunity to get amazing pictures.  No crowds on Main Street or in front of the castle...what more could you ask for?  There's the opportunity to get pictures in front of the castle with just you, your family, and the most iconic place in all of Disney.  Don't think that this isn't on my agenda next!  If you're there for dinner, try to get a reservation during the fireworks display and ask for a window table. It's definitely a magical experience. Either way, make sure you get your reservations early.  The Castle tends to fill up months in advance (you can make reservations 180 days in advance) so make sure you get your table.  Although you could get lucky like we did once and get a reservation the day before we headed up there. 

Love this view

It's a magical place and an experience that you'll never forget.  I'm so excited that the Hubs and I could share this with our kids and we have the best memories from that night. I know they  loved it and won't forget it.