Embarking on another First Day

Today I am embarking on a new journey.  Friday was my last day in the Outpatient Clinic and today I start my new role as a Clinical Research Coordinator. Sounds fancy, doesn't it?  I'm super excited yet totally freaked out at the same time.  Bedside nursing is all I know.  That's all I've done for the almost 8 years I've been a nurse.  It's where I'm most comfortable. It's where I feel the most like myself. I'm at home at the bedside.

When I transitioned from Inpatient to Outpatient, we had just gone through a horrible period where we lost a few patients. It was very taxing on the staff (to say the least).  You come in every day and see the patients at their worst.  It wears on the soul tremendously. The opportunity to move to clinic allowed me some time to heal. I was now surrounded by the patients who are doing well.  They come to clinic every week, every two weeks, every month and they're healthy.  They're thriving. They're going to school and getting to be kids. It was what I needed to heal.

Recently I've realized that I might have healed too much.  I've gotten used to seeing the same patients day in and day out.  I've built friendships and bonds with them.  I'm by no means saying that is a bad thing. I love that I can go in to work and be able to be completely real with the people I'm caring for. But that too comes at a price.

I have found myself becoming too attached, too comfortable.  So with every relapse, it's hitting me even harder than before. It hurts that much more because I've seen them at their best. I've put so much of myself into taking care of them, trying to protect them from their disease. I've found myself saying "why didn't I see it coming?" or "why didn't I pick up on the slight change in their labs?" or "what could I have done differently?"  Each relapse has become a personal defeat for me.

Which is why I am welcoming this new position with open arms. I'm excited to take on a new role in the Hem/Onc/BMT world. It will be challenging, which I love. It will test not only my patience but my brain. It will challenge my ADD/OCD like nothing I've ever done.  I'm prepared to not be good at my new job at first, which will be hard because I'm a perfectionist.  I know I will miss being at the bedside.  I'm sure most days it will kill me. It was so hard to tell my patients I wasn't going to be in clinic anymore. But I know that feeling will pass.  And if it doesn't, I'll figure it out. But this is what my heart needs. It's what my family needs. And that's all that matters.

To my clinic family.......thank you so much for an amazing 2.5 years! I am so honored to work beside each and every one of you. You have each taught me so much and have helped me grow. You've put up with my health issues, my personal drama, my attitude, and my ridiculous sense of humor and I love you all for that. Never once did I feel like the "new girl." I instantly felt like part of the family.  You don't find a work environment like that too often and I'm thankful I found you.  I know things are rough right now but I'm positive it will get better. I will miss you all the time but I'm glad I can still cross that parking lot and come say hi when I need to!

Just some of my Clinic Family (including some of my new Research Family)

  

Life Gets In The Way

Hi friends. 

It's been a long time.  

I didn't mean to take such a break from you but I needed to. I needed a break to get my head straight. My life was spiraling out of control but not in the "I'm in so over my head that I have no idea how to get out" way. Out of control as in I felt the weight of everything looming over my head. That in a matter of seconds, the other shoe was going to drop and everything would fall apart at the seams. Every aspect of my life was being affected. Work was taking a HUGE toll on me and my mental well being. I felt pulled in a million different directions between home, the kids school, work, and my commitments and I couldn't do it anymore. 

So I took a step back. This was a big deal for me. I live in a constant state of stress. I always have a million things being juggled at any one time. But I'm proud of myself for coming to this realization. I don't think I've ever truly said this is too much for me to handle before. I took a leave from my TBMB commitment (thanks again to my amazing contributors who understood). I put blogging on the back burner (although I miss documenting all the awesome things that we've experienced lately).  I've relaxed a little more than I usually do. I've made some career decisions that I'm excited to share with everyone. I'm making decisions that bring joy, not stress, to my life. 

It means a lot to have a new focus. A new outlook. 

Ignore the Hubs......he doesn't like my constant picture taking! But I love this pic because I feel like I look happy and relaxed. Exactly what this break was for.....

Jessica 

This is when I say the Hubs was right.....

This doesn't happen much. 
Rarely do I admit that the Hubs is right. 
Rarely is he actually right :)  Love you honey! 

As ashamed as I am to admit this, we have been bad parents.  Bad parents for over 4 years.  Why, you might ask.  We have let our kids go to sleep with cups.  I know, I know.  It's horrible for their teeth.  It's prevented Noah from being completely potty trained.  It's just bad. 
*Let me clarify something....our kids did not use pacifiers. I did not want to have that habit. Unfortunately, we let the cup turn into a pacifier at night so my whole "no pacifier" philosophy has been shot*

We had decided that we were taking the cup away from Noah over Spring Break.  I thought this was going to be a HUGE disaster.  But once the time came, the Hubs took over and took away the cup...from both kids.  I didn't anticipate taking it away from Emmy yet but we were going to do this completely.  The Hubs was so confident in this endeavor.  I was pretty sure he was out of his mind.

Noah took to this new way of sleeping no problem.  The first night was rough but that's it.  We don't do juice for naptime or bedtime anymore.  Emmy has had a harder time with it but has finally come around.  She's falling asleep easier on her own now.  There's no peeing through her diaper anymore.  We're not washing sheets twice a day.  And she's sleeping better too.

But our biggest victory in this whole ordeal is Noah has finally decided he doesn't want a pull up!!!  Once we stopped the juice, he started waking up with a dry pull up.  Then he decided all on his own that he wanted to wear undies.  And he's never looked back.  Tonight he even declared "Monday through Friday I'm off the pull ups" (like he's laying off the booze or something).  It's just amazing.  I love that our little change in routine has empowered him enough to realize that he can do this.  He is a big boy and doesn't need the safety of a pull up.  I just love it.  Although it makes me sad because he's growing up.  I can't believe my little man is almost 5 (well he'll be 5 in January but whatever).

So yes, the Hubs was right all along.  We could do this.  Our kids could kick the habit.  And you know what?  We survived the withdrawl period and now we're living life cup-free and have sleeping beauties that look like this:





It's Bittersweet.....

First things first....can I just say how in LOVE I am with the My Fitness Pal app?!?!!?  I don't know how I lived life before this.  It is so similar to the points system for WW and tracking.  I think this will definitely help me in my weight loss challenge.  Plus, I'm in love with scanning the barcodes and having the info magically show up on my screen.  Easy Peasy!

Ok.  Now that's out of the way. On to the important stuff....

Me and change don't get along too well.  Actually I pretty much despise any significant change.  I stress out about hair color and styles (probably why my color's all grown out and my hair is in such a horrible state). I stress over pretty much everything.  So one can only imagine how much I'm freaking out about my HUGE change that's occuring right now. 

I have worked at All Children's for 3.5 years now on the oncology unit.  I have stuck with it when I thought I absolutely hated hem/onc (and actually I love it).  I've worked with the most amazing group of people this whole time and made some of the greatest friends.  All in all, I've had a wonderful time.  However, its time for a change.  My family and my marriage have suffered in the 5 years that I've been a nurse.  12 hour shifts are great but they come with strings attached.  Mandatory holidays, mandatory weekend requirements, shifts that turn into 13-15 hours shifts.  All of this made my life a little bit harder. So when the opportunity to move to our outpatient clinic presented itself, I had to take advantage of it. 

Starting Monday, I will be starting at the Hem/Onc/BMT outpatient clinic at All Children's.  Location-wise, it's not a big move.  Just across the street.  Patient population-it's the same.  I'll be taking care of the same patients I've been taking care of in the hospital setting.  But I'll be seeing the ones who are almost done with their cancer treatment.  Ones that we haven't seen in the hospital in months (and even years for some kids).  Hours-AWESOME!!!  I'll be working 4 10hr shifts/week.  No weekends or holidays.  Translation: I'll see my kids each night before they go to bed and I'll be able to spend the weekends and holidays at home, where I want to be more than anything.  The Hubs is so thrilled for this schedule.  He can't wait to be able to see me and do stuff.  I'm just excited that I won't have to miss family events, birthdays, get togethers, etc because I have to work on the weekends.  Oh and I get my own desk!  And I'll even have my own phone number with my name on caller ID.  How cool is that?!?

The trade off for all of these wonderful things I just listed.....CHANGE.  Cue the tears, anxiety, hives (yes I'm a loser and break out in hives from stress. Go ahead, call me a weirdo....I'm ok with it).  I have to learn a whole new system, work with a whole new group of girls, and most importantly, I have to leave all my friends on 7S.  That is going to be the hardest part.  I am not looking forward to tomorrow.  I'm sure I'll end up crying at some point and I'm sure I'll be questioning the decision all day long.  I am not looking forward to it at all.  And I can only imagine how I'll be Monday morning.  My new boss is already making fun of me because I've asked her 100 times where I need to go and how to get there.  I'm sure I won't sleep and will have an upset stomach, and be a Nervous Nelly.  But I know way down deep, this is exactly what I am supposed to be doing. God gave me this opportunity to grow as a woman, nurse, mother, and wife.  How could I not take Him up on it?

Now that you know how crazy I am, you must be thinking, "how is she going to survive until Monday?"  Well I can easily answer that.....avoidance.  Yes my go-to defense mechanism.  Why deal with it when you can avoid it!  So I have filled my day today with housework, blog stalking (in a non creepy way!!!), maybe a nap, and probably a run.  I work tomorrow then wake up really early on Sunday to run the IronGirl 5K at Clearwater Beach before heading to Parrish to ride on Thomas the Train (who really creeps me out but my son loves him.  The sacrifices I make because I'm a cool Mommy).  Then a new chapter in my life begins.  I'm sure I'll have nothing but great things to fill you in on after my first shift on Monday! 

So to honor my time on 7S, here are a few pics of my favorite moments:

Some great memories with the staff of 7S...there's always a lot of food and funny costumes

With some of my patients over the years..some cancer free, some still fighting and some earned their angel wings

   With all joking aside, I'm excited to make this change.  Yes, I'm really nervous and anxious but that's good.  It makes it exciting. 

I can't wait for my 5K this weekend and spending time with some of my amazing sisters!!!

Have a great weekend friends!!!
 

The Winds of Change

There's a chance a big change is going to happen in the Crimella house.  Details to come, as things are unfolding as we speak. 

And no, I'm not pregnant.

~JRC~