A long time coming

I've been wanting to write this post for a week now but you know how it is.....life gets in the way.  And as I've been spending the past 36 hours taking care of my poor sick babies (the Hubs included), I can't help but feel so compelled to write about this.  Let me start by saying that I am not one to openly discuss what I'm truly feeling.  I'm not good with emotional stuff.  I can offer advice to anyone on emotional topics but when it comes to me, I try my hardest to avoid talking about it.  So this is huge for me.  But so vital to the process that I'm going through right now.

A very wise person told me that people who have successful relationships are those people who put themselves out there, 100%, each and every day.  They are vulnerable in every way possible, no matter what the situation.

How true this statement is!  Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is key in a healthy, safe relationship.  This allows you to truly be present, to be in it 100%, to experience everything to it's fullest.  So why then is it so hard for me to do this?  That's all I can think about.  What has made me so afraid to truly open myself up to anyone?  And even more so, why is it so hard to open up 100% to the Hubs?

I'd like to think that I'm 100% in my every day life but let's face it.  I'm not.  With all of the technology out there, it's so easy to get distracted from the things that are truly important.  I used to get mad at the Hubs when he'd complain I was on Facebook or Twitter wherever I was (my phone has made it so handy).  It boiled my blood when he'd say that.  But in retrospect, it's so true.  I'm constantly looking at FB whenever I get a chance.  How much is that taking away from the Hubs and the kids?  There have been tons of times I've told the kids, "hold on, Mommy's almost done" when they've asked me to do something for them or with them.  Want to know what I was doing???  Playing on the computer.  I put the computer above my kiddos.  How bad is that?!?!  {Now I'm not saying I'm not going on the computer anymore...let's be real...Momma needs a little break from time to time plus she needs to keep up with her faves online!  But I am reevaluating things}

My biggest fear in life is failing at being a Mom.  All I've ever wanted to be was a Mom and now that I am one, I know I'm not the mom I always imagined myself to be.  Mostly because the mom I dreamed I would be only exists on TV and in books.  There are not enough hours in the day for me to accomplish everything I ever thought I would.  But I can come as close to that dream as possible.  And while my 2 precious angels are sicker than sick, I'm truly seeing how much they rely on me for everything.  Why not give them 100% of me?!?

And while we're on the subject....why not give the Hubs 100%?  He deserves that for putting up with me on a daily basis.  A great friend told me that I needed to be the best wife I could possibly be to the Hubs.  Those words rang loud and clear.  While I haven't been giving my kids 100%, I definitely haven't been giving our relationship 100%.  It's easy to get comfortable and ultimately get lazy.  And unfortunately, that's where we find ourselves.  We're working on getting back on track and while I'd love to blame the Hubs for everything, I just can't.  I am just as responsible for the state of our relationship.  I've gotten just as lazy as he has. Plus I have that tinyhuge problem with opening up.  But as I've had time to reflect on my life, where things are, and where I want them to be, I've realized that it's not all up to him.  I have to step up.  I have to put myself out there every day.  I have to get over my insecurities because at the end of the day, I'm surrounded by the 3 people who love me the most in this entire world.  Because without those 3 people, my world is empty.

So from now on, that's what I'm doing.  I'm putting myself out there.  100% every day.  100% every time.  I know it will be hard and I know it will be challenging but who say this stuff was easy?!?  God doesn't throw anything at us that we can't handle.  And while it may seem like it is way too much to take, I know that I can handle it.  It's going to be a slow process but one that I'm looking forward to embarking on.

Wish me luck.....

On a side note...Happy 34th Birthday to the Hubs!  I feel horrible that he's so miserable (he got the stomach bug that ripped through our house) but we'll celebrate once everyone's back on their feet again.  I love you Hubs....more than you'll ever realize!!!!

At the Rays game on Saturday (about 1 hour before the stomach bug attacked me)

   

A quick trip to Italy

Before I go into our amazing weekend, I wanted to say Go Bama!
I don't like LSU or Alabama at all.  They're rival SEC schools to the Hubs's Gators {which I could care less about too (Gator Hater, right here!!!) but it makes my marriage easier when the Gators win} but since they're playing in the big BCS game, I figure I have to cheer for one of them.
Why did I choose Bama?
Easy.
Purple and Yellow don't match.
Yep, that's right folks.  I choose teams based on their uniforms.  I also choose based on mascots.
LSU almost had an edge because they have a really cool tiger eye painted on the center of their field but that doesn't pull them in front of Bama.
I also like houndstooth (but not as much as this girl)....just another reason to like Bama!

Anywho...back to my weekend
We headed up to Orlando Friday night, checked into the hotel, grabbed some dinner, hit up Target (I forgot my brush and the Christmas clearance section happened to be 90% off...had to buy something!!!), and headed to the outlets.  My running shoes, which I also wear to work, are sprouting holes all over the toes.  I'm pretty much one more toe hole away from looking like a bum.  So we hit up the New Balance outlet for some running/work shoes.  Then it was off to CityWalk for margaritas and live music at Margaritaville.  I can't remember the last time the Hubs and I actually sat at a bar and had drinks together.  It was fun and we actually stayed awake long enough to enjoy it!  Then it was back to the hotel for some much needed sleep.
Saturday was our anniversary.  We really didn't have much planned except dinner reservations.  We headed to Epcot since we don't get to explore it with the kids.  The Disney Half Marathon/Marathon was this weekend too so we got to cheer on the runners running that final mile of the Half through Epcot.  Watching them really made me upset I didn't sign up for the Princess Half again this year.  Oh well, I'm determined to do at least 1 runDisney event next year.  We rode some rides and headed off to the worlds.  We had an amazing lunch in Italy (how many people can say their Hubs have taken them to Italy for lunch???), wandered around some more and then headed home for a nap. We woke up, got dressed and headed out to Magic Kingdom for our amazing dinner.
Here's pics from Friday and Saturday

Starting off our Anniversary weekend the right way!!!

Lunch in Italy

Our restaurant in Italy

An anniversary ride on the carousel

Dinner was so amazing that it deserves it's own post but I'll give you a hint.  It involves this:

Stay tuned to see what a great job the Hubs did!  He's on a roll this year!!!

I Do....Again and Again

Six years ago today, at this very time, I walked down the aisle towards my future. 

Six years later, I have 2 amazing children.

Six years later, I still wake up next to my best friend every day.

Six years later, I would still walk down that same aisle, towards that same future.

I would do it over and over again.

I couldn't imagine a different life for me.

I couldn't imagine sharing my life with any other person.

I just couldn't. 

No matter what I think when I'm mad.

No matter what I say in the heat of the moment.

No matter what.

I love you like the day we met.

I love you like the night you asked and I said yes.

I love you like the day we said I do.

Thank you for making me a better person.

Thank you for making me a mother.

Thank you for making me a wife.

Thank you for choosing me.

Thank you for loving me.

Because I choose you, over and over.

Because I love you, forever and always.

Where do we (I) go from here?

Man am I not motivated for anything.  I don't want to do the laundry, load the dishwasher, cook dinner, nothing.  This has been a running theme with me for a while now.  Actually I think it's all gone downhill since my hospitalization/surgery.  Or maybe even longer than that.  I'm just exhausted.

But exhaustion is no longer an excuse (I hear you chuckling since I've said that, oh, a million times already).  I'm mentally ready to get back on track.  These are the areas I'm ready to work on:
Marriage
I had posted before how hard things have been for the Hubs and I.  After coming to a realization that I can't blame him for everything that's wrong with us, things have been getting so much better.  We've been spending more time together, even if it's just watching our new favorite TV shows (I have a few good ones but that's for another day).  I feel like things are less stressed between us and we're headed back to the land of actually enjoying each other.  But it's still a work in progress.
Family
My new work schedule is definitely helping in this arena.  I just love being home with the fam on the weekends.  I'm getting to do so much more than when I had to work 2 weekends in a row.  However, this also means that our weekends are jam-packed with stuff to do, people to see.  While this is definitely strengthening us as a family, I really look forward to the weekends where we have nothing to do or when it's just the 4 of us, although I've realized how important it is to spend time with family.  My grandpa taught me that.
Kids
My kids are my world.  I just don't know where I'd be without them.  I truly know that I was put on this Earth to be their Mommy.  But there are so many days where I feel like I'm failing them.  Do they watch too much TV? Yes. Do they play outside enough? No. Do I let them get away with too much? Yes. Am I working with Emmy and her talking enough? No. Should I be more strict with them? Yes. Should I be forcing Noah to ride his bike? Probably.  Am I encouraging their creativity enough? No. I think this is a struggle that every parent (not just Mommies) deal with every day.  I really want to be better, not just because they need me to be but because I need me to be.  Last night we had such a great time making little owls.  It only took 10 minutes but my kids loved it (so did I) and now they are so proud of what they've created.  Why am I not doing this more often?
Food
Sounds really weird to be on the list of things to work on but it is.  We are in a food rut in my house.  Same meals week in, week out.  Granted we're not the most adventurous eaters but it's getting boring.  I'm a pretty picky eater, always have been.  But as I'm getting older, I'm getting better.  Em's a great eater.  She'll eat almost anything.  Noah's hit or miss.  He's very finicky but with him, it's all about getting him to actually eat.  He has to eat on his terms, not ours.  I think we may have encouraged his independent, strong willed side a little too much.  The Hubs is a picky eater no matter what he says.  Our problem is everything he likes, I don't like.  Finding the happy middle is the issue.  My goal is to find new, exciting dishes, that are also healthy, to incorporate into our lives.
Me
This is a HUGE area I need to work on.  I have to get back on track with exercise.  I have to get back on track with weight loss.  More importantly, I have to work on liking the Me that I am right now.  All too often I focus on all the things I want to change about me.  Very rarely do I focus on the things that I like about myself.  This is all about embracing who I am, not who I think I'm supposed to be.  This is also going to be really hard.  But this I have to do in order to succeed at improving any of the other areas in my life that I want to work on.

So here's to hard work, sweat, tears, love, cooking, and crazy looking owls we made together!!!

Noah made the 2 owls on the outside and Em made the owls in the middle with some help (well more help on the brown and yellow one obviously)

The One with the Brutal Honesty

I don't do a lot of emotional posts on here.  Maybe because I don't like to feel vulnerable.  Maybe it's because I don't know who's really reading this.  Maybe because I don't like to discuss my emotions.  Ok that's the main reason but who's keeping track!?!  Yesterday showed me that it was time to really get some stuff off my chest. 

There's a reason I read the blogs I read.  I feel connected to the writers.  I feel like I'm friends with them, even if they have no idea who I am.  I feel like we have so much in common.  Reading yesterday's blog posts was like a therapy session for me.  Yesterday proved to me that I am not the only one feeling the things I feel. 

I have been way off track when it comes to running.  I really want to become a runner.  I hate everything about running yet I love it at the same time.  I seem to find excuses for not getting out there....my shoes are falling apart (which they are), it's too hot, it's too cold, it's raining, I don't have time, I can't wake up early enough, I don't have a treadmill.  I'm disappointed in myself that I would let these excuses get the best of me.  I thought being a working Mom of 2 kids under the age of 5 was excuse enough for the lack of running but then I look at some of my fellow bloggers, especially this one and this one, who somehow manage to get it all done. They inspire me to be better, to work harder, to get my fat ass off the couch!  I've been finding more and more blogs about people's running journey and it's all become a source of motivation, encouragement, and inspiration.  You're looking (well I guess you're actually reading) at a girl who is ready to take the plunge, ready to make the commitment.  I know it's going to be a bumpy road but I also know it will make me healthier, happier, and better off in the long run.

Now on to the harder topic.  Yesterday Megan at Mackey Madness wrote the most amazing post about marriage.  (If you don't know her, you should.  She's quite a doll) It was all about the truths of marriage and how much work it takes to make a marriage work.  This struck such a chord with me.  I've been married to the Hubs for almost 6 years.  It has been the hardest 6 years of my life.  The ups and downs we've had is almost too much to take.  There have been many times that I've thought it was too much for me to handle.  But yet, we stick it out.  I don't know if we're doing it for us or our kids.  But either way, we work through it. 
I've learned the hard way that it's not the fairy tale I grew up dreaming about. 
Marriage doesn't work like Disney movies. 
Marriage is downright hard work and you get out of it what you put into it.
It took me this long to realize that fact. 
Crazy, isn't it?
The bottom line is I married the Hubs for a reason.
I love him. 
I love him no matter how mad he makes me.  I love him because he challenges me.  I love him because he gave me 2 beautiful children.  I love him because he loves me more than anything in the world.
With all of that, wouldn't you think I'd be the happiest girl in the world with the best marriage in the world?  Yet I sit here, dealing with the stress of our situation.  I know I've been getting out what I have put in.  I'm guilty of not working as hard on our relationship as I should.  I'm guilty of not valuing the partner I have.  I'm guilty of being selfish.  I'm guilty of letting life control us instead of being in control of our life. 
All I know is not matter what, I can't imagine walking down this road with any other person. 
Period. 

One of my favorite pictures of us (minus the beer bottle).  This is way back in 2004 when we first fell in love

My favorite "most recent" picture.....7 years later