Knowing when to "Let It Go"

I wrote this post last week for the Tampa Bay Moms Blog.  I've explained all of the stress that have been going on in my life and this post was like therapy for me.  I love writing so much but the experience I had writing this post was truly organic.  The words just flowed and it turned into the piece I'm most proud of.

I feel like it's been so long since I've been on the blog that I should re-introduce myself. Hi, I'm Jess. I'm a full time working Momma who just learned the biggest Mommy lesson of all time: Knowing when to Let It Go (like the Frozen reference???  Gotta thank Debbie for that one! There will be more than one of these references so bear with me!)

As moms, we're charged with handling (or juggling in my case) so many tasks at one time on a daily basis. Keeping our children alive and happy, keeping our husbands/boyfriends/partners happy, managing the household and everything that comes with it, school responsibilities, extra curricular responsibilities, social obligations, and throw work responsibilities on top of it if you're a working Momma like me. When you sit down and look at everything a mom is responsible for, it's amazing we're all not in the looney bin by now. That's a lot of responsibility and pressure to put on one person. And to make it worse, we're so critical and judgmental towards our fellow Moms. We're expected to handle it all with grace and poise and not let everyone see we're falling apart at the seams.

That's where I found myself the past few months. Trying to hold everything together as best as I could while my life was spiraling out of control. I can't help but think of the amazing song "Let It Go" from Frozen. First off let me say that I absolutely adore this movie and the soundtrack. Granted we've been listening to it nonstop since it came out, to the point where I pretend the CD isn't in my car anymore, but it's still amazing. Just listening to "Let It Go" has brought me to tears before. The message is so powerful.

Don't let them in. Don't let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know. Well now they know

I was struck by that lyric. That's exactly what I was doing! I was drowning on a daily basis but I was putting on the happy face. You know the one. The one that makes everyone else think everything is fine when it's anything but. We've been dealing with my daughter's health issues with no answers. My son had a seizure at school, which was the worst day of my life. I had another kidney stone. My husband had a heart scare. I had just switched jobs. School and dance and family obligations were piling up. There was no light at the end of my tunnel. I was putting on a brave face each and every day. I was acting like nothing was going on, that there was no stress in my life.

One day I realized that I couldn't hide it anymore. There was no way I could pretend like it wasn't too much for me. That's when it hit me...I have to let it go. I have to stop pretending that I have everything under control. I learned to say no. I took a step back from some of the things I was involved in. That's why you haven't seen me on the blog since Christmas. I had to focus on the most important thing in my life, my family.

You know what I realized? I realized it was okay to say no. It was okay to let other people know you're overwhelmed and need help. I learned it's okay to feel like you're drowning because you're not the only one. I realized I'm not the first mom, nor will I be the last mom, to be going through what I was going through. I realized I didn't have to be the picture perfect portrait of Motherhood. Being a mom is wonderful and a dream come true but it's messy and crazy and it's hard. I've finally come to terms with that. I've become okay with knowing I'm not going to live up to society's expectations of what a Mother should be. I'm okay with that because the only opinions that matter are my children's and they think I'm doing an amazing job!

It's time to see what I can do. To test the limits and break through. No right. No wrong. No rules for me. I'm free. 

The moment I realized they're not babies

I think I've lived the past 3 years in complete denial.

I've always known that our family was complete the minute Em was born.  I figured I'd get baby fever down the line but know it was just an itch, not an actual desire or need.  Most of that had to do with pregnancies being so hard for me.  Having a high risk pregnancy can take a toll on you.  But I knew that I had my boy and girl and that we were complete.

Never in a million years did I think time would fly by so quickly.  There I was, holding my sweet baby girl, knowing that she depended on her Momma for every single thing.  And in a blink of an eye, that same baby girl is off to PreK, getting dressed all by herself, and trading in her crib for a big girl bed.  And not like a toddler bed.  A real bed.  With twin size sheets and a bedspread.  The same bedspread that I went head to head with said 3 year old in the middle of Target.  Needless to say, the bedding set she has was the one we compromised on.  Standing in the aisle was definitely the start of this big epiphany that my baby girl isn't a baby anymore.

Her sweet nursery looked like this:

And now there's barely a sign of the baby that used to sleep in this room.  I had to leave up the butterflies because I couldn't part with everything.  Now it's truly a little girl's room:

It hit me, as the Hubs and I were rearranging Em's room, that my kids aren't babies anymore.  I don't know when that happened.  No matter how much I wish them to be little babies, they just aren't.  They're turning into the people they're meant to be. They have personalities, strong ones at that.  They are making a name for themselves in the world. And all I can do is sit back, enjoy the ride, and pray that I'm doing everything I can for them to become great people.  That's a hard moment for any Momma but a proud one.

My kids are my world.  Plain and simple.  And no matter how much they grow up, they'll always be my babies.
   

Am I THAT mother???

Growing up I had grand visions of the way my adult life would turn out.  I'd be married (check) with the perfect kids (check).  I'd be that amazing stay at home mom who always had the best meals prepared, the cleanest house, who had cutesy crafts/projects for the kids, and who took their kids to storytime and playgroups, etc (definitely NOT check).  I am anything but that vision I had growing up.  I work crazy hours.  I kinda hate cooking.  I'm not above giving the kids lunchables and the occasional soda. There's always some form of chaos in my house. I do like to do cutesy crafts for my kids classes and teachers. But I don't go to story time or playgroups.  I tried to get in the routine of taking Em to story time but all the moms there bothered me.  {Side note....The moms at my story time are very snobby.  If you're not a "regular" you're an outsider.  They talk about all the play groups they go to around the county and plan their children's daily routine around these events.  I'm sorry I only have 1 day off during the week and most of the time I'm too tired to get out of my PJs.  But that doesn't mean you have to give me the stink eye when I occasionally show up to story time.  I'm still a good mom, regardless of the number of story times/playgroups/etc I attend in a given month (which is usually a big fat zero)}  While I'm not overly concerned with the amount of Mercury my kids are getting exposed to, I am a tad bit crazy when it comes to one thing.....babysitters.


Yes my friends....I'm terrified to find babysitter for my kids. 


We have been fortunate enough that we haven't had to put our kids in daycare.  Our parents are amazing and bend over backwards to help us out on that front.  If the Hubs and I want to have a date night, we schedule it around our parents schedules.  If we don't have a parent to watch the kids, we just don't go out.  The kids have only been watched by 1 non-family member...ever....and it's only because it was my USF graduation and everyone wanted to be there for it.  So it was the Hubs's boss and it was only for 3 hours.  And I was stressed those entire 3 hours.


It's not that I don't believe in babysitters.  Heck, I babysat my entire middle school/high school years.  But the thought of leaving my kids with a teenager pushes me to the max.  I start itching, breaking out in hives, having chest pain....full on panic.  I've tried to avoid this part of parenthood with all my might but I've realized (with the prodding by a handful of people) that it's time to take the plunge.  Time to face the extreme anxiety inducing dilemma head on and find a babysitter.  And you know what, one fell right into my lap!  An adorable young lady, who I have known since she was in Kindergarten, just happens to love my kiddos and loves to babysit.  My mom even gave her the stamp of approval (she's a former student at my mom's school who just graduated middle school).  So I sucked up the anxiety and asked her if she'd be interested in sitting for us and her face lit up.  She gave me her number and told me to text her whenever (weird that I'm now texting a 14 year old).  


There.  I had done it.  I had conquered my fear. 


Yeah right!


The anxiety heightened more than I ever imagined.  Now I have this cute girl hoping that I'll call her. Now I have this girl who actually wants to babysit for me.  Now I have to let her watch them.  Without us.  OMG!


So what did I do?  Ignored her for a while (great strategy I thought).  But out of the blue, I get a text from her saying "Hi Jessica!  It's ________".  She's just saying hi.  How cute yet how weird?!?  I said hi back then got a text that took me about 10 minutes to decipher (I am just not cool enough to understand teenage text abbreviations).  But I figured it out and found out what she charges, what hours she's allowed to babysit, and her summer plans.  She seems excited.


Does this mean I have a babysitter?
Does this mean I have to leave my kids with her?
Does this make me a I'm a legit crazy person for stressing over a babysitter?


I'm sure it does.  


Could someone pass me some Benadryl? I think I'm breaking out in hives......