Embarking on another First Day

Today I am embarking on a new journey.  Friday was my last day in the Outpatient Clinic and today I start my new role as a Clinical Research Coordinator. Sounds fancy, doesn't it?  I'm super excited yet totally freaked out at the same time.  Bedside nursing is all I know.  That's all I've done for the almost 8 years I've been a nurse.  It's where I'm most comfortable. It's where I feel the most like myself. I'm at home at the bedside.

When I transitioned from Inpatient to Outpatient, we had just gone through a horrible period where we lost a few patients. It was very taxing on the staff (to say the least).  You come in every day and see the patients at their worst.  It wears on the soul tremendously. The opportunity to move to clinic allowed me some time to heal. I was now surrounded by the patients who are doing well.  They come to clinic every week, every two weeks, every month and they're healthy.  They're thriving. They're going to school and getting to be kids. It was what I needed to heal.

Recently I've realized that I might have healed too much.  I've gotten used to seeing the same patients day in and day out.  I've built friendships and bonds with them.  I'm by no means saying that is a bad thing. I love that I can go in to work and be able to be completely real with the people I'm caring for. But that too comes at a price.

I have found myself becoming too attached, too comfortable.  So with every relapse, it's hitting me even harder than before. It hurts that much more because I've seen them at their best. I've put so much of myself into taking care of them, trying to protect them from their disease. I've found myself saying "why didn't I see it coming?" or "why didn't I pick up on the slight change in their labs?" or "what could I have done differently?"  Each relapse has become a personal defeat for me.

Which is why I am welcoming this new position with open arms. I'm excited to take on a new role in the Hem/Onc/BMT world. It will be challenging, which I love. It will test not only my patience but my brain. It will challenge my ADD/OCD like nothing I've ever done.  I'm prepared to not be good at my new job at first, which will be hard because I'm a perfectionist.  I know I will miss being at the bedside.  I'm sure most days it will kill me. It was so hard to tell my patients I wasn't going to be in clinic anymore. But I know that feeling will pass.  And if it doesn't, I'll figure it out. But this is what my heart needs. It's what my family needs. And that's all that matters.

To my clinic family.......thank you so much for an amazing 2.5 years! I am so honored to work beside each and every one of you. You have each taught me so much and have helped me grow. You've put up with my health issues, my personal drama, my attitude, and my ridiculous sense of humor and I love you all for that. Never once did I feel like the "new girl." I instantly felt like part of the family.  You don't find a work environment like that too often and I'm thankful I found you.  I know things are rough right now but I'm positive it will get better. I will miss you all the time but I'm glad I can still cross that parking lot and come say hi when I need to!

Just some of my Clinic Family (including some of my new Research Family)

  

A Cause Dear to my Heart

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month.  This is one of the most important months for me.  Most of you know already that I'm a pediatric Hematology/Oncology/Bone Marrow Transplant nurse.  I'm the nurse that gets to take care of children who are fighting cancer and blood disorders and who are going through bone marrow transplants.  It's a rough job to have, believe me.  I can't begin to tell you how many times I've cried with families, with my coworkers, on my way home from work, and with the Hubs.  It is emotional work.  But it is the most rewarding work I've ever done.  I will never be able to say in words how much my patients mean to me.  Every day I am reminded how amazing my job is.  I wrote this last year:

I have held the hands of parents who have been told their child has cancer.  I have celebrated with patients for their last chemotherapy treatments.  I have cried with them when they find out their cancer is back.  I have held the bucket for sick kids as they go through preparation for their bone marrow transplants.  I have been there when they are told they are a Survivor.  I have been in the conference when the doctors tell parents there's nothing else we can do.  I have been at the bedside, holding a child's hand, as they take their last breath.  I have done all of this with the hope that one day we will find a cure for this horrible monster that is taking the most amazing people from this earth.


As I re-read the original post from 7/22/11, I can't help but tear up.  I have seen too many children face this horrible disease and lose.  I have seen too many parents have to bury their child.  I have seen cancer claim too many amazing people. It's time we do something.

On September 29th, I will be participating in the Tampa Bay Area CureSearch Walk.  The CureSearch Walk celebrates and honors children whose lives have been affected by children’s cancer, while raising funds for the lifesaving collaborative research conducted at more than 180 hospitals across the nation. These hospitals participate in National Cancer Institute sponsored clinical trials conducted by the Children's Oncology Group.  All Children's Hospital (where I work) is one of these hospitals.

In the last 40 years, collaborative research has increased the overall survival rate for children’s cancer from 10% to 78%. At CureSearch, our goal is 100%.  You can help us reach our goal of a 100% cure rate.  Please consider donating to this cause.  We never dream of hearing the words "Your child has cancer" but, unfortunately, it can happen to any of us.

I am participating again on our clinic's team, HOTTIES of the OCC.  My personal page can be found here.  You can donate through my page or make a general donation to CureSearch.  And if you're not interested in donating to our walk, please consider donating to your local CureSearch fundraisers, local children's hospital, or local Ronald McDonald House.   

I know I ask for a lot of prayers for my patients, their families, and my coworkers.  I sincerely appreciate each and every prayer said in their memory.  It is my prayer that one day we find a cure for this horrible disease.  I pray that one day our children can be just that....children.

http://www.curesearch.org/