Sometime you just need a break

There comes a time where you need to take a step back, look at what's going on, and re-evaluate.  That's where I've found myself lately.  I logged on a few days ago and saw that I hadn't posted since the end of April.  Obviously I've taken a little break from blogging, which was totally unplanned, but I guess I needed it.  I've been keeping up with my reading of blogs (not so much with the commenting) so I haven't  been completely cut off from the blogging world but the demands of it had taken its toll.  Unfortunately I was trying to keep up with all of the other bloggers out there. I found myself getting discouraged because everyone else's blogs were taking off and mine wasn't. The posts I was writing weren't the type of posts that I used to write.  They seemed so different to me.  I was coming up with topics just for the sake of getting in a post every day just to keep up.  Bottom line, I had lost the joy I felt when I started on this journey and wasn't being true to myself.

So much has happened in the past 3 months.  My kids finished up school and I now have a soon to be 2nd grader and soon to be Kindergartner.  I had knee surgery.  We had lots of family time.  I dyed my hair red.  And I didn't document any of it.  Sure I have it all on Instagram but it's not the same.  I don't have it on here so when I finally decide to turn this blog into a book, those moments won't be included.

We just got back from a 10 day Disney vacation where I put down my camera and was just present.  Sure I took some pictures on my phone and had my camera for our character meals, but other than that, I just enjoyed myself.  We had so much fun, ate way too much, and made so many memories.  I think it actually helped me remember why I started this blog.  It wasn't to make money.  It was to document my life and my experiences.  Sure, it would be great if I could earn a little off of it but if I don't, it won't be the end of the world. Because bottom line, in 20 years when my kids are grown, I want to be able to look back and have this space to turn to when I want to remember the good days.

Dinner on our last night at the Spirit of Aloha Luau at the Polynesian Resort

    

Life Gets In The Way

Hi friends. 

It's been a long time.  

I didn't mean to take such a break from you but I needed to. I needed a break to get my head straight. My life was spiraling out of control but not in the "I'm in so over my head that I have no idea how to get out" way. Out of control as in I felt the weight of everything looming over my head. That in a matter of seconds, the other shoe was going to drop and everything would fall apart at the seams. Every aspect of my life was being affected. Work was taking a HUGE toll on me and my mental well being. I felt pulled in a million different directions between home, the kids school, work, and my commitments and I couldn't do it anymore. 

So I took a step back. This was a big deal for me. I live in a constant state of stress. I always have a million things being juggled at any one time. But I'm proud of myself for coming to this realization. I don't think I've ever truly said this is too much for me to handle before. I took a leave from my TBMB commitment (thanks again to my amazing contributors who understood). I put blogging on the back burner (although I miss documenting all the awesome things that we've experienced lately).  I've relaxed a little more than I usually do. I've made some career decisions that I'm excited to share with everyone. I'm making decisions that bring joy, not stress, to my life. 

It means a lot to have a new focus. A new outlook. 

Ignore the Hubs......he doesn't like my constant picture taking! But I love this pic because I feel like I look happy and relaxed. Exactly what this break was for.....

Jessica 

We're back!!!

We're back from a week at the Happiest Place on Earth!  Our Disney vacation was awesome! We ate amazing food, probably gained too much weight, had too much fun, relaxed a lot, and enjoyed ourselves. I really did not want to check out of the hotel on Friday and I really don't want to be going back to work today. Emmy told me she was mad at me because we weren't going back to the hotel. She's a girl after my own heart! She values a good vacay!!!  But that's life I guess. Last week was a great opportunity for me to unwind, get my head straight, and just chill. I'm ready to face the world with a renewed sense of being. I'm going to wait till next week to do my Disney recap so be prepared for Disney overload!!!  This week I'm catching up on things, posting over at Tampa Bay Moms Blog, and editing pictures. So until then, I'll leave you with a picture or two to hold you over til next week!!!!

When I ask for a family picture, this is what I get!

All of the poses that Em made while taking pictures.  Who taught her to "duck face" at 3 years old?

My life via Instagram

I have pretty much abandoned my camera in exchange for my cell phone.  I don't really know why I haven't been taking too many pictures on my real camera.  It just seems easier to snap a quick pic on my cell.  So I've had to rely on Instagram for all of my pics.  If you follow me on Instagram, I apologize because you've seen these pics already.  If you don't follow me, you should!!!

The past 2 weeks have been a whirlwind.  Here's my recent life in pictures!!!

The kiddos spent 2 afternoons playing on the game consoles in the waiting room at the hospital.  I love the hospital I work at because they really took kids into consideration when they designed the new buildings.  My kids love coming to visit me because of these silly things!

We finally got to try on our recital costumes!!!  Despite her facial expression, she loved it!  She loved it so much that she didn't want to take it off then refused to participate in the rest of the class.  I have to keep reminding myself she's only 3!  

Even though I'm running on empty, it's nice to take a few minutes and just breathe.  This is my favorite spot on our new deck!

I don't care how blurry this pic is.  It's my favorite of all time!  I got to spend Friday morning in Em's classroom for Mother's Day Tea.  We were taking tons of pictures on my phone and then she took it from me.  When I got to work, I scrolled through my camera roll and found this gem.  I can't get enough of it!!!

Teaching Em from a young age the importance of big hats on Derby Day!!!  We might have literally just woken up but that didn't stop us from sporting our hats first thing!!!

This week was hair and make up week at the studio.  Em's big recital is in a month and she has to wear some serious makeup for it.  I've never claimed to be a girly girl.  I don't wear makeup unless it's eye shadow and mascara.  So learning to put on foundation and blush was a challenge. Oh and lets not forget about coloring her eyebrows to make them more visible on stage....what?!?  But I think she turned out pretty good!!!  I have to practice a few more times I thing to perfect the look.  

You just have to wear a hat, drink from a Derby glass and watch the most important 4 minutes of the racing season!  I just love the Kentucky Derby!!!  

This morning, Em and I woke up (it's still just me and her in the bed) and were watching Strawberry Shortcake.  Then I realized that she wasn't even in the bedroom anymore and I was still engaged in the show.  Typical mom moment right there.  And let me get one thing straight....she is an impostor !!  Strawberry Shortcake now has long pink hair and is a hipster.  She is an impostor compared to the Strawberry Shortcake I grew up with!!!  

 
I know it looks like I only have 1 kid but right now, Em is permanently attached to my hip.  I can't go anywhere without my little shadow.  Noah's starting to feel it, I think, and wonder what's going on.  Soon enough, life will get back to normal.  Or at least I'm praying it does.

One of those weeks

This post is brought to you courtesy of Em's iPad mini. I was totally against the kiddos getting iPads but now that we have a couple of them, I'm in love!!!! We'll see how this post goes though. It might change my mind a little.

Ever have one of those weeks that you either want a do-over or to erase it altogether? Well that's where I am right now. Nothing seems to be following my grand plan. And with my control issues, you can imagine this is turning my world upside down.

Work is beyond frustrating. Most of the time I'm loving my job but its been rough for me. My patience is being tested and I'm finding myself not being able to hide my frustration. I hate letting my negative feelings become outwardly evident and I find myself making it very clear how upset I am. Definitely not ok in my book.

If that's not enough, Em has become deathly afraid of the dark. I don't know what happened all of a sudden but this girl gets panicked the minute the lights go off. She's sleeping with her door open and a light on in the hallway. Accidentally turn the light off and she's awake in a second having a baby panic attack. It's so scary as a Momma to see your baby so scared.

She's also doing this crazy thing with sleeping on the floor. If she sleeps in her bed, she's climbing into our bed between 1am and 3am every night. If she sleeps on the floor, she sleeps through the night. What is up with that? I don't get it but I won't lie. I don't miss the middle of the night visits.

Without going into too much detail, I think I am red meat intolerant. I might have just created that disorder but over the past few months, I have had the hardest time with ground beef. It's bad. I guess I have to turn to my BFF Google to figure this one out.

I also have to find the time to get some good posts written. They're floating around in my head. I jus have to get them out. I've got great stuff....my workout recap, my IronGirl journey (and a special offer for my readers), and a few other gems.

I'm putting it all in His hands knowing that He'll guide me through these difficult days. I love being challenged but I need a break. I have this constant overwhelmed feeling. I need to find that balance, the comfort zone, that place of peace because I'm on the verge of breaking.

A little bit of Random

Here I am again, all by my lonesome, in our big house.  I really think there's something wrong with me that I'm not loving this feeling as much as I should.  Oh well.  I was in the mood to be a little random today so here goes......

~We survived Tropical Storm Isaac.  And by survived I mean life went on as usual.  The kids were off from school, the Hubs worked from home, and I went to work.  I think we have worse weather during normal thunderstorms.  Such is life in Florida during hurricane season.  I am keeping my prayers aimed at the Gulf Coast where Isaac is supposed to make landfall.
~We signed Em up for dance this weekend. I feel like a complete fish out of water in this arena.  I'm a sports girl.  I've never done tutus and ballet slippers.  I never imagined how expensive dance outfits are, especially for toddler sizes!!!  I'm going to go broke!  But she looks so dang cute and I know she's going to love every minute of it.  Her first class is Saturday so you know I'll be there, camera in hand.

How perfect does she look?!?!?!?!

~The kids did well with their first week of school.  We only had a minor meltdown this morning, courtesy of sweet Emily, who did not want to go back.  But once she was there, she was fine.
~Saturday the Hubs planned a movie night for us.  He popped in Knocked Up, one of the funniest movies ever!  We can recite the whole movie.  It's always fun to watch something that we both enjoy and end up in tears over.  We've actually been having movie nights a lot, come to think of it.  We've watched Hunger Games, Crazy Stupid Love, and now Knocked Up.  Go us!!!
~I went to bed at 7pm on Sunday.  Yes that is 7pm. Like before the kids went to bed.  I woke up at 10:45pm, only because the cat wanted out of the room and then it was back to sleep until 6:15 the next morning.  I think Noah thought it was funny I went to bed before him.  And the worst part, I woke up completely exhausted.  I'm hoping my lab results will shed some light on the subject (which I found out are sitting on my doctor's desk for review, which makes me very anxious)
~Speaking of labs, I have the most beautiful bruise on my right arm from the labs I had drawn on Wednesday. The phleb brutally attacked me with a HUGE needle.  OK more like straight needled me with a 18g and kept messing around with the tubs so they would fill.  Worst lab draw ever!!!!!

It looks like the Hubs beats me.  Which he doesn't.  I'm almost embarrassed by it.

~I finished a great book last night.  Becca let me borrow it weeks ago and I just couldn't get into it...aka...I fell asleep every time I read it.  I read over half the book last night and it was intense.  You need to go out and get Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn.  It will be worth it, I promise.
~Today is my last day off during the week for a long time.  My schedule changes next week. I'll start working 7-3 (3:30) Monday-Friday.  I'm excited for the change because it will mean more family time, less eating out, and more control over my life.  I'm definitely going to miss a day off during the week and only having to work 4 days a week but my family comes first and this is what we need.
~Now I'm off to either a)start another book b)catch up on Days or c)curl up in my bed and sleep for the rest of the day (yes I'm still that tired)
~And another ballet picture, just because:

   

A case of the "What Ifs"

I don't like regret.  I believe everything happens for a reason, regardless if we ever truly understand the reason.  But sometimes I find myself wondering what my life would be like if I'd made different decisions.
{Disclaimer....by no means am I writing this because I hate where my life is right now.  I have the most amazing family.  I get to spend every day with my best friend.  I have a career that I'm not only proud of but one that I truly love. And I'm surrounded by the best friends a girl could ask for. So don't think I'm jumping off the deep end, OK? Thanks}


What if I would have gone to school in North Carolina like I'd planned?  Would I have ended up being the Pediatrician I always dreamed of being?

What if I never left USF?  Would friendships that are broken today still be in one piece?

What if I never met the Hubs?  Would I still be in the dead end relationship that I was in, the one that was doing nothing but bringing me down?  Would I have always been looking for the right relationship for me?

What if we never had children?  Would we be traveling the world?  Would be feel fulfilled? Would we do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted?

What if Emmy was really born at 29 weeks?  Would our life revolve around doctors and therapy appointments?  How would Noah handle it all?

What if the Hubs and I really gave up on each other when things got really tough?

I find my mind wandering towards these questions when things get really rough for me.  But instead of dwelling on all the "what ifs" I think of all the amazing blessings in my life because none of these situations came to fruition:

I ended up at USF and had the time of my life.  I made amazing friends, had the best job anyone could ask for, and found my place in Chi Omega.  True I gave up on my dreams of being Jessica Trowbridge, MD (that's my maiden name) but I found my calling in nursing.  I had to leave USF in order to follow that calling.

In leaving USF, I had friendships tested and I learned so much about myself.  I took a chance on a cowboy I met in a bar and found the love of my life. I said goodbye to a person that was only dragging me down.  I had the wedding of my dreams and we started our family with a perfect little boy.

Our prayers were answered and we were blessed with a perfectly healthy baby girl after 9 weeks of tears, worry, fear, prayers, and emotions. Every horrible scenario we had prepared ourselves were just that, scenarios.  I survived the hardest and darkest time of my life.

The Hubs and I pushed our pride and stubbornness aside and worked our asses off to get back to a good place.  I realized that nothing is easy and we have to fight for what we believe in.  Fight for what is important.  And it's a fight I'd fight over and over again.

I'm constantly reminded how blessed my life is.  It might not look like the life I always dreamed of or planned out in my diary but it's the life I've created, the life that's right for me.  I don't regret a single moment, a single decision (good or bad) because it all led me to where I'm standing today. I'm standing here proud of what I've accomplished, proud of the life I've created, proud of it all.

My favorite quote from RENT sums it all up....
Forget regret
Or life is yours to miss
No other road
No other way
No day but today
     

A little re-evaluation

I will be the first to say that I'm a huge procrastinator.  I've been one ever since I can remember.  For some strange reason I thrive under stress.  But my procrastination also makes me very a little lazy from time to time.  This is no exception to that.  So as I start my life as a 30-something, I want to start things on the right foot.  So here goes....


Relationships: I think this is an area that everyone can improve on.  But I want to be an example to my kids of how to be the best person, friend, Christian, family member that one can be.  I want to have strong bonds with the people I love and that requires hard work and dedication.  I am so guilty of letting life get the best of me and distracting me from the things that matter.  I'm determined to focus on strengthening the relationships that I have right now.  I want to let go of the pasts that are preventing me from moving on.  I'm ready to repair relationships that are wounded. I want to allow the amazing relationships I have to flourish.


Weight loss: this is a big department to touch on.  I was doing so well on program then I was lame and fell off the wagon.  I'm excited to say that I haven't ballooned back up but I also haven't lost any weight in like 2 months.  I haven't even weighed in for some time now.  But I'm getting myself mentally prepared for going back on program.  I have to be in the right frame of mind for it to work.  I've gotten comfortable with the 15-20lbs that I've lost already and I need to start feeling uncomfortable again so I will be 100% committed.  I'm sure that sounds ridiculous but it's true.

Exercise: I have a love/hate relationship with it.  I love the way I feel after I work out but I absolutely dread doing it.  I played competitive volleyball for years.  I was working out all the time and it never seemed like a chore.  I don't know when I started feeling like it was a bad thing (oh wait....that started at the same time I gained a ton of weight....ironic).  But I'm now ready to fully commit to adding exercise into my daily life.  The Hubs was amazing and bought me an elliptical about 6 months ago and we've barely used it.  I'm embarrassed to even write that. But now I've turned it into something fun. Granted its all new this week but I've been trying to get at least 30 minutes in every day (minus Tuesday due to the wicked migraine that attacked me).  But the best part is that Emmy wants to hang out with me while I do it.  I plug my iPod into the elliptical and play my music through the machine so Em can dance.  Monday night she even asked me if I would exercise so she could dance.  How can you say no to that?!?!  I might have found the motivation I need in the form of a soon to be 3 year old.

I'm ready to better my life, to make it as rich as it can possibly be.

Those were the days

Remember the days when all that mattered was the design of your Lisa Frank folders, what type of backpack you had, or who was gracing the front of your lunch box?  Those were the days, weren't they?

My kids remind me daily about how easy life was back then.  The things that were important to us when we were younger (and often seemed world changing) are the farthest things from important when we grow up.  One day your day is ruined because your Lego creation broke. The next day you're worrying about your mortgage, bills, and where your kids are going to go to school.  It's like one day you didn't have a care in the world and the next day the weight of the world is on your shoulders.

I've been pretty open about my anxiety lately.  I'm trying my best to just relax and enjoy life, rather than stress about things.  I'm trying my best to live in the moment instead of worrying for the future.  I've found that seeing the world through my children's eyes helps calm me down.  It brings me back to reality and reminds me that life with what we create.

We should write our own stories, not have our stories written for us.

I'm determined to write my own.

And it's going to be a damn good one ;)
    

A long time coming

I've been wanting to write this post for a week now but you know how it is.....life gets in the way.  And as I've been spending the past 36 hours taking care of my poor sick babies (the Hubs included), I can't help but feel so compelled to write about this.  Let me start by saying that I am not one to openly discuss what I'm truly feeling.  I'm not good with emotional stuff.  I can offer advice to anyone on emotional topics but when it comes to me, I try my hardest to avoid talking about it.  So this is huge for me.  But so vital to the process that I'm going through right now.

A very wise person told me that people who have successful relationships are those people who put themselves out there, 100%, each and every day.  They are vulnerable in every way possible, no matter what the situation.

How true this statement is!  Allowing yourself to be vulnerable is key in a healthy, safe relationship.  This allows you to truly be present, to be in it 100%, to experience everything to it's fullest.  So why then is it so hard for me to do this?  That's all I can think about.  What has made me so afraid to truly open myself up to anyone?  And even more so, why is it so hard to open up 100% to the Hubs?

I'd like to think that I'm 100% in my every day life but let's face it.  I'm not.  With all of the technology out there, it's so easy to get distracted from the things that are truly important.  I used to get mad at the Hubs when he'd complain I was on Facebook or Twitter wherever I was (my phone has made it so handy).  It boiled my blood when he'd say that.  But in retrospect, it's so true.  I'm constantly looking at FB whenever I get a chance.  How much is that taking away from the Hubs and the kids?  There have been tons of times I've told the kids, "hold on, Mommy's almost done" when they've asked me to do something for them or with them.  Want to know what I was doing???  Playing on the computer.  I put the computer above my kiddos.  How bad is that?!?!  {Now I'm not saying I'm not going on the computer anymore...let's be real...Momma needs a little break from time to time plus she needs to keep up with her faves online!  But I am reevaluating things}

My biggest fear in life is failing at being a Mom.  All I've ever wanted to be was a Mom and now that I am one, I know I'm not the mom I always imagined myself to be.  Mostly because the mom I dreamed I would be only exists on TV and in books.  There are not enough hours in the day for me to accomplish everything I ever thought I would.  But I can come as close to that dream as possible.  And while my 2 precious angels are sicker than sick, I'm truly seeing how much they rely on me for everything.  Why not give them 100% of me?!?

And while we're on the subject....why not give the Hubs 100%?  He deserves that for putting up with me on a daily basis.  A great friend told me that I needed to be the best wife I could possibly be to the Hubs.  Those words rang loud and clear.  While I haven't been giving my kids 100%, I definitely haven't been giving our relationship 100%.  It's easy to get comfortable and ultimately get lazy.  And unfortunately, that's where we find ourselves.  We're working on getting back on track and while I'd love to blame the Hubs for everything, I just can't.  I am just as responsible for the state of our relationship.  I've gotten just as lazy as he has. Plus I have that tinyhuge problem with opening up.  But as I've had time to reflect on my life, where things are, and where I want them to be, I've realized that it's not all up to him.  I have to step up.  I have to put myself out there every day.  I have to get over my insecurities because at the end of the day, I'm surrounded by the 3 people who love me the most in this entire world.  Because without those 3 people, my world is empty.

So from now on, that's what I'm doing.  I'm putting myself out there.  100% every day.  100% every time.  I know it will be hard and I know it will be challenging but who say this stuff was easy?!?  God doesn't throw anything at us that we can't handle.  And while it may seem like it is way too much to take, I know that I can handle it.  It's going to be a slow process but one that I'm looking forward to embarking on.

Wish me luck.....

On a side note...Happy 34th Birthday to the Hubs!  I feel horrible that he's so miserable (he got the stomach bug that ripped through our house) but we'll celebrate once everyone's back on their feet again.  I love you Hubs....more than you'll ever realize!!!!

At the Rays game on Saturday (about 1 hour before the stomach bug attacked me)

   

Some realizations

So I've come to a few realizations of late. 

1.  I'm horrible at blogging.  I was doing so well and then I switched jobs.  You would think that I'd be able to keep up with this better since I had more free time....must mean I'm hanging out with my family a little more!  I really want this blog to be a reflection of me and my life.  But I also want to be able to look back at it and be able to remember all the great things we've done as a family. 

2.  My motivation is somewhat missing.  I really need to jump back on the weight loss wagon.  I'm not gaining any weight but I'm not losing any.  Things need to really kick into gear.

3.  My exercise routine is doing wonders for my well being.  I've been running at least 3 nights a week for about an hour.  My neighborhood is a nice 1 mile circle.  It's nice to know how far I'm actually going and my neighborhood is really cute so I don't mind being out there.  Also, I think the time alone is doing me good for my mental well being.  If I'm stressed, frustrated, mad, sad, etc, being out there, on my own, running (lets be honest....sometimes its just fast walking) gives me the opportunity to work through it all.  I never in a million years thought I'd use running as a stress reliever.  Its amazing how things change as you get older!

4.  My kids are getting too grown up.  Noah's almost 5 (I can't believe I'm actually old enough to say that) and Emmy turns 2 in a month.  I honestly don't know where the time went. As cliche as this sounds, it really does feel like yesterday that I was pregnant with them.  It makes me sad but not sad enough to have any more kiddos!!!

5.  I'm really starting to come into my own when it comes to work.  I'm becoming more comfortable in my new role in clinic.  I'm starting to handle the stress of 5 patients coming at the same time (I mean really....is it that hard to come to the dr's office at the time you're scheduled???)  And I'm actually starting to think that I made the right decision to make the switch to clinic.

6.  I've also realized I had the best manager ever!  Not only does she come out and work clinic if we need her to, she's just awesome.  How many people can say they go out for Happy Hour with their bosses?  Or go to baseball games with them (which is what I will be doing tomorrow night....she has season tix to the Rays and no one to take to the game....I say yes please!!!).  It is a great relief to know there is someone who has your back all the time. It also makes coming to work not feel like a chore. 

7.  I've also realized how much these people mean to me (not that I didn't already but being home with them so much more since my job change has really made me realize how lucky I am)

Typical...both kids climbing on Mommy

Love him

Because I'm a Lazy Blogger

The Hubs told me today that I'm a lazy blogger since I haven't updated in a while.  Good to know he looks forward to my updates!!!  This week starts a 5 day work week for me.  This should be interesting. I left a job that only required me to work 3 days a week and moved to a job that is 4 days a week.  This has been quite an adjustment (proof is in the sinus infection I'm brewing).  But one of my coworkers is on vacation this week so I am working all 5 days.  I'm going to be delirious by Thursday.  Wish me luck and say a few prayers for the girls who have to work with me all week. 

Besides my schedule, there's a lot to discuss this week....Painting with a Twist, Rays game and Darius Rucker, the Hubs upcoming birthday, My Style Monday (with a twist) and a "get to know you" kind of post.  Hopefully I can find the time to get on here this week.

Have a great week!!!

This is the reason the Hubs might divorce me........

I only have one job around the house (yes I was blessed with a good husband who does almost everything around the house). My job is laundry.  The 4 of us can sure create a ton of laundry on a daily basis. 

I'm really good at doing it.

Just REALLY bad at folding it. 

Case in point.

This is almost 3 weeks worth of laundry in the garage that the laundry fairy hasn't folded yet.  I guess I'm a bad wifey because we've been digging through these piles every day for weeks now. 

Any suggestions on how to make this task more enjoyable???
 

10 years in the making!!!

The blog is not 10 years in the making. You'll find out what that means in a moment. But I've decided to give this blog thing another try. Why not write down all of the happenings in our lives for all to see?!? Fingers crossed that I can keep up with it. Be patient with me. This is a long one. So drum roll please.......

Graduation Day has finally arrived! I cannot believe that its been 10 years in the making. When I graduated from high school in 2000, I never thought it would take me 10 years to get my bachelors degree. I was the type of kid who wrote off community colleges because I was "too good" for them. There was no way you'd find me stepping foot on one of those campuses. So off to USF I went, and LOVED every minute. I was super involved from the start and getting a job in the Marshall Center just amped up my involvement. I made lifelong friends and had the time of my life. Chi Omega opened its arms to me and I met the most amazing women and was a part of the strongest sisterhood. To this day, my closest friends are Chi Omega women. But as my years at USF grew, so did my extracurricular activities. Class became a distraction from my life. I had to tear myself away from my job and activities to go to class, only to go straight back once class was over. I had a bunch of credits but no end in sight. I kept applying to the CON but they kept telling me to take time off. How could I justify being a 4th year student with no graduation date in sight? If you know me at all, not having any control of this particular situation did not sit well. I knew I wanted to be a nurse. I just had to get into the program. So in a panic, I looked up tons of community college programs and applied at 4am one morning.

I will never forget the surprise I got less than a week later when HCC told me I was accepted and only had 4 days to accept my seat for the upcoming semester. Again, if you know me at all, change doesn't go over that well with me. I only had 4 days to make the largest decision of my life. Do I accept and head down the path towards the career I want? Obviously the answer should be an easy yes. But by saying yes I had to say goodbye to life as I know it. I had to leave my job, my friends, everything at USF. How could I possibly do that? Trust me, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I had the support of my friends but no one truly understood what leaving meant. I had to start all over. And there was always the fear of being "out of sight, out of mind" which turned out to be the case. In my leaving, friendships that I thought would stand the test of time dissolved faster than you could say nursing school. The one person I thought was my forever friend turned out to be anything but that. It was all a devastating blow. I spent nights crying myself to sleep over leaving and wondering what things would be like if I never left. The regret I felt was overwhelming (and I do not believe in regret). Slowly, my new life started to evolve and I became comfortable with my decision and who I was turning out to be.

Through my time in nursing school, I truly found myself. I knew who my true friends were and made some of the best friends I've ever had. But the most important thing that came from my devastating decision to leave USF was meeting my husband. I believe that if I stayed at USF, I would never have met John and the life we have would not exist. 5 years ago I graduated from nursing school and my life truly began. I married my best friend 3 weeks later and we made our move to Orlando to start our life (and family) together.

Fast forward to August 2008. I got the itch to get my BSN and continue my education. I applied to USF's CON again and was pleasantly surprised that I was accepted to the Fall 08 admission, not the Spring 09 like I planned. Its funny how both nursing schools accepted me very quickly. So now that hard work began. I had to take online classes, which I hate. I had to figure out how to manage a family, a full time job, and school. Needless to say, it was a very hard work. After taking 2 semesters off, it was hard to go back for the last 3 semesters.

Fast forward again. Graduation day has arrived and I'm an emotional basketcase (go figure). Putting on my cap and gown, walking across that stage, hugging Judy Genshaft, and moving my tassle was the culmination of 10 years of hard work, sweat, tears, laughter, friendships lost, and friendships gained. How I kept my emotions inside is something I will never understand. The feeling of accomplishment is out of this world. And as I made John traverse the USF campus to take pictures at very memorable locations, all I could do was smile. Smile because I did it. Smile because I finally have that diploma (that will be professionally framed in an overpriced frame) to hang on my wall. I have finished what was left unfinished for years.

I was talking to a dear friend (and my old boss at the MC) on Thursday (2 days before graduation) and she said the most profound thing to me. She said that the struggle I had making my decision to leave, dealing with that decision, and dealing with the friendships that fell apart, was completely worth it because she could see that I was truly happy with my life. That she sees so many of us who have the degree but are still searching for the one thing that makes us truly happy, whether it be that perfect job or that perfect someone. And it was probably the first time that I realized that I was truly happy. Looking back, I would not change the course I chose. I used to long for the day that those broken friendships would be repaired but I've grown up and realized that if they were meant to be, they would have survived through all of this. I've realized that I'm not the one missing out. They are missing out on going through life with me. I have an amazing husband, two beautiful children that are my entire world, a job that I truly love, and a great circle of friends. And now I have that elusive degree from USF.

What more could a girl want????

Oh wait, now its time for a masters degree!!!

~JRC~