2013 is going to be the Year of Jess

I just have this feeling.  The feeling that this year is going to be a great one for me.  I probably said this last year which is why I'm not going to do a recap of my 2012 goals.  I really don't feel like starting the year off depressed.  Instead I want to start the year off with a positive attitude.

I had a lot of wake up calls in 2012.  I realized that people are not invincible. I dealt with another loss of a grandparent.  I am so blessed that I spent 29 years with all 4 of my grandparents.  I know not many people can say that.   But losing both my grandpas, with one of my grandmas currently in the hospital, really started to make things register for me.  Life is precious and we can't take it for granted.  I really want to make 2013 the year of memories for my family.  Living in the now.  Taking advantage of everything that comes our way.  Show my kids what it means to live life.

My marriage was another wake up call last year.  Without going into too much detail, mainly because there really are some topics that need to stay off the blog, we almost called it quits.  That's a difficult thing to swallow.  No one expects to be on the brink of divorce when they get married.  I would have never thought things would come to this.  But we wanted to do everything we could to figure things out.  We found a great counselor and learned a lot about communication.  We're two stubborn kids who don't know when to just calm down and listen.  I'd love to say that everything was his fault (and I might to my friends) but I know I share just as much blame.  I want this year to be about rekindling that spark.  Getting back to that amazing place we once were together.

Obviously health and weight are huge areas I need to focus on.  I've had a few health issues this year and I really don't feel like repeating them this year.  I want to make 2013 a year of healthy choices and good decisions.  Not only because I need to be healthier myself but because of my kids.  I really want to be a good example for them.  If this means our grocery bill sees a few extra dollars each week, then so be it.  My kids are young and I want to instill good choices and good decision making in them now so when they get to be my age, they're not blogging about how they wish they'd done something differently the year before.

Weight will always be at the forefront for me.  I've struggled for years.  I've lost weight and gained it back (and repeated this cycle a few times).  I always say this time is the last time yet here I sit, ready to give it another try.  But not this year.  I had a very rude awakening to my own body issues and how it affects not only me but the people around me.  Case in point...we like to go to a local pizza place and there's a Yogurtland and an ice cream shop on either side.  I go for fro yo every time and most of the time, Em comes with me.  The boys go for the real stuff.  This last time we were getting ready to walk out of Yogurtland and I was helping Em get her jacket on.  We were in front of the store window so we could see our reflections.  As I was zipping up her jacket, Em looks in the window and says "Ugh I'm so fat Mommy."  Break my heart into a million pieces right there.  My sweet sweet girl, who is actually underweight for her age, is looking at her reflection and calling herself fat.  Now I'm sure she has no idea what that word really means but obviously she's heard it and learned to associate it with looking in the mirror from someone.  I have never felt like such a failure in my life.  So from here on out, it's not about focusing on numbers.  Yes, I'd love to see a number show up on the scale that's about 40-50 lbs lighter than it says today.  But I need to focus on loving me, loving the girl I am, and loving the body I have at this current moment.  Because if I don't figure this out, I'm going to have a little girl who will follow right in my footsteps, regardless if she's got a weight issue or not.  (if anyone has any advice on this front, please please please send it my way)

I think this year I'm going to take it one step at a time.  I'm not going to put unrealistic goals and expectations on myself.  I'm going to make this year about a healthier me, both physically and mentally.  It sounds kinda selfish that I plan on this year being all about me.  But I've learned the hard way the hard way that I cannot and will not be any good for anyone else if I don't take care of myself.  I can't be the mom that I want to be, the wife that I want to be, the friend that I want to be, the Jessica I want to be without putting some focus back on myself.

So here's to me.  May this year be the year that it finally clicks.  That I finally realize that taking care of me is just as important as taking care of my kids, the Hubs, or my patients. That I can look in the mirror and love the girl I see staring back at me.

Happy 2013!!!
  

A little re-evaluation

I will be the first to say that I'm a huge procrastinator.  I've been one ever since I can remember.  For some strange reason I thrive under stress.  But my procrastination also makes me very a little lazy from time to time.  This is no exception to that.  So as I start my life as a 30-something, I want to start things on the right foot.  So here goes....


Relationships: I think this is an area that everyone can improve on.  But I want to be an example to my kids of how to be the best person, friend, Christian, family member that one can be.  I want to have strong bonds with the people I love and that requires hard work and dedication.  I am so guilty of letting life get the best of me and distracting me from the things that matter.  I'm determined to focus on strengthening the relationships that I have right now.  I want to let go of the pasts that are preventing me from moving on.  I'm ready to repair relationships that are wounded. I want to allow the amazing relationships I have to flourish.


Weight loss: this is a big department to touch on.  I was doing so well on program then I was lame and fell off the wagon.  I'm excited to say that I haven't ballooned back up but I also haven't lost any weight in like 2 months.  I haven't even weighed in for some time now.  But I'm getting myself mentally prepared for going back on program.  I have to be in the right frame of mind for it to work.  I've gotten comfortable with the 15-20lbs that I've lost already and I need to start feeling uncomfortable again so I will be 100% committed.  I'm sure that sounds ridiculous but it's true.

Exercise: I have a love/hate relationship with it.  I love the way I feel after I work out but I absolutely dread doing it.  I played competitive volleyball for years.  I was working out all the time and it never seemed like a chore.  I don't know when I started feeling like it was a bad thing (oh wait....that started at the same time I gained a ton of weight....ironic).  But I'm now ready to fully commit to adding exercise into my daily life.  The Hubs was amazing and bought me an elliptical about 6 months ago and we've barely used it.  I'm embarrassed to even write that. But now I've turned it into something fun. Granted its all new this week but I've been trying to get at least 30 minutes in every day (minus Tuesday due to the wicked migraine that attacked me).  But the best part is that Emmy wants to hang out with me while I do it.  I plug my iPod into the elliptical and play my music through the machine so Em can dance.  Monday night she even asked me if I would exercise so she could dance.  How can you say no to that?!?!  I might have found the motivation I need in the form of a soon to be 3 year old.

I'm ready to better my life, to make it as rich as it can possibly be.

Where do we (I) go from here?

Man am I not motivated for anything.  I don't want to do the laundry, load the dishwasher, cook dinner, nothing.  This has been a running theme with me for a while now.  Actually I think it's all gone downhill since my hospitalization/surgery.  Or maybe even longer than that.  I'm just exhausted.

But exhaustion is no longer an excuse (I hear you chuckling since I've said that, oh, a million times already).  I'm mentally ready to get back on track.  These are the areas I'm ready to work on:
Marriage
I had posted before how hard things have been for the Hubs and I.  After coming to a realization that I can't blame him for everything that's wrong with us, things have been getting so much better.  We've been spending more time together, even if it's just watching our new favorite TV shows (I have a few good ones but that's for another day).  I feel like things are less stressed between us and we're headed back to the land of actually enjoying each other.  But it's still a work in progress.
Family
My new work schedule is definitely helping in this arena.  I just love being home with the fam on the weekends.  I'm getting to do so much more than when I had to work 2 weekends in a row.  However, this also means that our weekends are jam-packed with stuff to do, people to see.  While this is definitely strengthening us as a family, I really look forward to the weekends where we have nothing to do or when it's just the 4 of us, although I've realized how important it is to spend time with family.  My grandpa taught me that.
Kids
My kids are my world.  I just don't know where I'd be without them.  I truly know that I was put on this Earth to be their Mommy.  But there are so many days where I feel like I'm failing them.  Do they watch too much TV? Yes. Do they play outside enough? No. Do I let them get away with too much? Yes. Am I working with Emmy and her talking enough? No. Should I be more strict with them? Yes. Should I be forcing Noah to ride his bike? Probably.  Am I encouraging their creativity enough? No. I think this is a struggle that every parent (not just Mommies) deal with every day.  I really want to be better, not just because they need me to be but because I need me to be.  Last night we had such a great time making little owls.  It only took 10 minutes but my kids loved it (so did I) and now they are so proud of what they've created.  Why am I not doing this more often?
Food
Sounds really weird to be on the list of things to work on but it is.  We are in a food rut in my house.  Same meals week in, week out.  Granted we're not the most adventurous eaters but it's getting boring.  I'm a pretty picky eater, always have been.  But as I'm getting older, I'm getting better.  Em's a great eater.  She'll eat almost anything.  Noah's hit or miss.  He's very finicky but with him, it's all about getting him to actually eat.  He has to eat on his terms, not ours.  I think we may have encouraged his independent, strong willed side a little too much.  The Hubs is a picky eater no matter what he says.  Our problem is everything he likes, I don't like.  Finding the happy middle is the issue.  My goal is to find new, exciting dishes, that are also healthy, to incorporate into our lives.
Me
This is a HUGE area I need to work on.  I have to get back on track with exercise.  I have to get back on track with weight loss.  More importantly, I have to work on liking the Me that I am right now.  All too often I focus on all the things I want to change about me.  Very rarely do I focus on the things that I like about myself.  This is all about embracing who I am, not who I think I'm supposed to be.  This is also going to be really hard.  But this I have to do in order to succeed at improving any of the other areas in my life that I want to work on.

So here's to hard work, sweat, tears, love, cooking, and crazy looking owls we made together!!!

Noah made the 2 owls on the outside and Em made the owls in the middle with some help (well more help on the brown and yellow one obviously)