Embarking on another First Day

Today I am embarking on a new journey.  Friday was my last day in the Outpatient Clinic and today I start my new role as a Clinical Research Coordinator. Sounds fancy, doesn't it?  I'm super excited yet totally freaked out at the same time.  Bedside nursing is all I know.  That's all I've done for the almost 8 years I've been a nurse.  It's where I'm most comfortable. It's where I feel the most like myself. I'm at home at the bedside.

When I transitioned from Inpatient to Outpatient, we had just gone through a horrible period where we lost a few patients. It was very taxing on the staff (to say the least).  You come in every day and see the patients at their worst.  It wears on the soul tremendously. The opportunity to move to clinic allowed me some time to heal. I was now surrounded by the patients who are doing well.  They come to clinic every week, every two weeks, every month and they're healthy.  They're thriving. They're going to school and getting to be kids. It was what I needed to heal.

Recently I've realized that I might have healed too much.  I've gotten used to seeing the same patients day in and day out.  I've built friendships and bonds with them.  I'm by no means saying that is a bad thing. I love that I can go in to work and be able to be completely real with the people I'm caring for. But that too comes at a price.

I have found myself becoming too attached, too comfortable.  So with every relapse, it's hitting me even harder than before. It hurts that much more because I've seen them at their best. I've put so much of myself into taking care of them, trying to protect them from their disease. I've found myself saying "why didn't I see it coming?" or "why didn't I pick up on the slight change in their labs?" or "what could I have done differently?"  Each relapse has become a personal defeat for me.

Which is why I am welcoming this new position with open arms. I'm excited to take on a new role in the Hem/Onc/BMT world. It will be challenging, which I love. It will test not only my patience but my brain. It will challenge my ADD/OCD like nothing I've ever done.  I'm prepared to not be good at my new job at first, which will be hard because I'm a perfectionist.  I know I will miss being at the bedside.  I'm sure most days it will kill me. It was so hard to tell my patients I wasn't going to be in clinic anymore. But I know that feeling will pass.  And if it doesn't, I'll figure it out. But this is what my heart needs. It's what my family needs. And that's all that matters.

To my clinic family.......thank you so much for an amazing 2.5 years! I am so honored to work beside each and every one of you. You have each taught me so much and have helped me grow. You've put up with my health issues, my personal drama, my attitude, and my ridiculous sense of humor and I love you all for that. Never once did I feel like the "new girl." I instantly felt like part of the family.  You don't find a work environment like that too often and I'm thankful I found you.  I know things are rough right now but I'm positive it will get better. I will miss you all the time but I'm glad I can still cross that parking lot and come say hi when I need to!

Just some of my Clinic Family (including some of my new Research Family)

  

Life Gets In The Way

Hi friends. 

It's been a long time.  

I didn't mean to take such a break from you but I needed to. I needed a break to get my head straight. My life was spiraling out of control but not in the "I'm in so over my head that I have no idea how to get out" way. Out of control as in I felt the weight of everything looming over my head. That in a matter of seconds, the other shoe was going to drop and everything would fall apart at the seams. Every aspect of my life was being affected. Work was taking a HUGE toll on me and my mental well being. I felt pulled in a million different directions between home, the kids school, work, and my commitments and I couldn't do it anymore. 

So I took a step back. This was a big deal for me. I live in a constant state of stress. I always have a million things being juggled at any one time. But I'm proud of myself for coming to this realization. I don't think I've ever truly said this is too much for me to handle before. I took a leave from my TBMB commitment (thanks again to my amazing contributors who understood). I put blogging on the back burner (although I miss documenting all the awesome things that we've experienced lately).  I've relaxed a little more than I usually do. I've made some career decisions that I'm excited to share with everyone. I'm making decisions that bring joy, not stress, to my life. 

It means a lot to have a new focus. A new outlook. 

Ignore the Hubs......he doesn't like my constant picture taking! But I love this pic because I feel like I look happy and relaxed. Exactly what this break was for.....

Jessica 

One of those weeks

This post is brought to you courtesy of Em's iPad mini. I was totally against the kiddos getting iPads but now that we have a couple of them, I'm in love!!!! We'll see how this post goes though. It might change my mind a little.

Ever have one of those weeks that you either want a do-over or to erase it altogether? Well that's where I am right now. Nothing seems to be following my grand plan. And with my control issues, you can imagine this is turning my world upside down.

Work is beyond frustrating. Most of the time I'm loving my job but its been rough for me. My patience is being tested and I'm finding myself not being able to hide my frustration. I hate letting my negative feelings become outwardly evident and I find myself making it very clear how upset I am. Definitely not ok in my book.

If that's not enough, Em has become deathly afraid of the dark. I don't know what happened all of a sudden but this girl gets panicked the minute the lights go off. She's sleeping with her door open and a light on in the hallway. Accidentally turn the light off and she's awake in a second having a baby panic attack. It's so scary as a Momma to see your baby so scared.

She's also doing this crazy thing with sleeping on the floor. If she sleeps in her bed, she's climbing into our bed between 1am and 3am every night. If she sleeps on the floor, she sleeps through the night. What is up with that? I don't get it but I won't lie. I don't miss the middle of the night visits.

Without going into too much detail, I think I am red meat intolerant. I might have just created that disorder but over the past few months, I have had the hardest time with ground beef. It's bad. I guess I have to turn to my BFF Google to figure this one out.

I also have to find the time to get some good posts written. They're floating around in my head. I jus have to get them out. I've got great stuff....my workout recap, my IronGirl journey (and a special offer for my readers), and a few other gems.

I'm putting it all in His hands knowing that He'll guide me through these difficult days. I love being challenged but I need a break. I have this constant overwhelmed feeling. I need to find that balance, the comfort zone, that place of peace because I'm on the verge of breaking.

Getting my knowledge on

This post is brought to you courtesy of the Florida Association of Pediatric Tumor Programs.  Currently I'm sitting in my amazing hotel room, just taking it all in.  Not only is my room truly beautiful (I can't wait to test out the shower), I'm really enjoying this conference.  Granted it's only the first day, but I am learning a lot.  I can't wait for tomorrow because it's more oncology than hematology.  I've also ran into a girl I used to work with at Florida Hospital so that was exciting!  But more importantly, I'm going through some big time personal growth. 

I have never been one to really do things by myself.  I hate going shopping alone.  You'll never see me going to a movie solo.  It's just not in my nature.  The therapist the Hubs and I were seeing a while ago shed some light on why I'm like this (that's another discussion) but it's the way I am.  So staying in a hotel room, by myself, for 2 nights is HUGE.  I was starting to get a little anxious about it a few days ago.  I was really wanting the Hubs to abandon his weekend plans and bring the kids up to be with me.  But you know what. While I'm laying in bed alone, I've realized that I really needed this.  I really needed a few days where I could focus on me.  Emmy has been very emotional lately and has been wearing on me.  I don't really know what's going on with her.  I'm sure it's a phase but it's really starting to affect me.  Most of the time she's asking for Momma and I'm the only one who can console her.  As much as this warms my heart that my baby girl still wants her Momma, it's hard because I can't even go to the bathroom without her practically sitting on my lap.  While I feel completely guilty for leaving her for 3 days when she's going through such an emotional phase, I know now how important it is for me to get some time to myself so I can be the best for her. And I can say that the past hour has been so peaceful.  I'm not stressed about being alone.  I'm relishing in the fact that there is no chaos.  No one constantly calling my name.  No fighting.  No yelling.  It's perfect.  Now I can't say that I won't be saying how much I miss the chaos, the sound of my name being said over and over.  I am looking forward to seeing my kids again and seeing the Hubs.  But for now, I'm going to sit in my bed, all by myself, and watch Glee with no one bothering me!

CuresSearch Recap

I can't believe it's been a month since the walk and I haven't written about it yet. I know I've mentioned it a million times but I am so fortunate to have a job that I absolutely adore.  I can't imagine working in any other specialty of nursing.  Hematology/Oncology/Bone Marrow Transplant truly is where I'm called to be.

For the past 2 years, the Tampa area has been fortunate to host the CureSearch Walk.  I wrote about what CureSearch is over here. Last year I was unable to attend because we were all at the Hospice House surrounding my grandfather with love as he left this world.  So this year, I was determined to be there.  I loaded the family (Hubs included) into the car and headed down to the park super early.  We got there, grabbed our bandannas and I settled in to my volunteer role.  The Hubs was entertaining the kiddos for me.  Everyone who participates in the walk is asked to wear a bandanna.  The 4 different colors represent 4 different reasons participants are walking.

I was volunteering at the banner table.  Participants are asked to write the "Reasons Why We Walk" on a banner.  I loved seeing everyone write messages to their loved ones. I couldn't pass up the chance to write down 2 very special reasons why I was walking.

Radio Disney was there and had tons of things for the kids to do.  Noah loved it!  He even won a prize!  Our Child Life department was out in full force, with activities and crafts for the kiddos.  Noah took advantage of that too.  Em was in a mood so she wasn't into it all that much.  There was face painting too.  At 10:00, Opening Ceremonies began with speeches from the doctors from All Children's and St Joseph's.  That was followed by a moment of silence to remember all those amazing warriors we have lost along the way.  The families who lost a child were presented with white roses and Taylor Swift's "Ronan's Song" was played. We even had a dove release that was nothing short of amazing.  I was prepared to hear that song but within 30 seconds, I was a blubbering mess.  I can't help but get emotional when it comes to my patients and their families.
 This was followed by a Survivors Ceremony.  All of the kids, both currently in treatment and those off treatment, were brought up to the stage and received a medal.  I am so proud to say that I know most of these amazing kids

From that point, it was walk time.  We loaded the kids into their stroller and off we went.

I had the most amazing honor of walking the first half of the walk with this amazing girl:

Madyson asked if I would walk with her.  So off we went, hand in hand.  I don't know if there has ever been a moment in my career that has impacted me as much as this did.  Every day I go to work hoping to make my patients feel loved.  I don't do it for the rewards.  I do it because I honestly love my patients and their families and I'm trying to make this horrible journey a little bit better for them.  I cherish every card, every coloring sheet, every thing that my patients make for me.  But this moment takes the cake.  There I am, just a random nurse, who means enough to this little girl that she wants me to be a part of her life.  Here is this little girl, who is surrounded by her family and friends, and I'm the one she wants to walk with. I won't lie...I teared up while walking with her.  I really have never felt so honored in my life.  I will forever be grateful to Madyson for reminding me how much I love my job and for renewing my passion for it.  You will always be my hero Mady!!!!

Now for the photo overload:

Some of the girls I worked with on 7S

Em showing her support

Happy after a great CureSearch Walk!

It was a short 1 mile walk but it was the most inspiring mile I've walked.  Seeing all the patients, surrounded by family, friends, and supporters, walking to raise awareness for Childhood Cancer was awesome.  We had a great turnout and raised over $70,000 for cancer research.  I'm so proud to have been a part of it!

Before anyone asks, I spoke with Madyson's parents for permission before I posted about her or her picture.   

A Cause Dear to my Heart

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month.  This is one of the most important months for me.  Most of you know already that I'm a pediatric Hematology/Oncology/Bone Marrow Transplant nurse.  I'm the nurse that gets to take care of children who are fighting cancer and blood disorders and who are going through bone marrow transplants.  It's a rough job to have, believe me.  I can't begin to tell you how many times I've cried with families, with my coworkers, on my way home from work, and with the Hubs.  It is emotional work.  But it is the most rewarding work I've ever done.  I will never be able to say in words how much my patients mean to me.  Every day I am reminded how amazing my job is.  I wrote this last year:

I have held the hands of parents who have been told their child has cancer.  I have celebrated with patients for their last chemotherapy treatments.  I have cried with them when they find out their cancer is back.  I have held the bucket for sick kids as they go through preparation for their bone marrow transplants.  I have been there when they are told they are a Survivor.  I have been in the conference when the doctors tell parents there's nothing else we can do.  I have been at the bedside, holding a child's hand, as they take their last breath.  I have done all of this with the hope that one day we will find a cure for this horrible monster that is taking the most amazing people from this earth.


As I re-read the original post from 7/22/11, I can't help but tear up.  I have seen too many children face this horrible disease and lose.  I have seen too many parents have to bury their child.  I have seen cancer claim too many amazing people. It's time we do something.

On September 29th, I will be participating in the Tampa Bay Area CureSearch Walk.  The CureSearch Walk celebrates and honors children whose lives have been affected by children’s cancer, while raising funds for the lifesaving collaborative research conducted at more than 180 hospitals across the nation. These hospitals participate in National Cancer Institute sponsored clinical trials conducted by the Children's Oncology Group.  All Children's Hospital (where I work) is one of these hospitals.

In the last 40 years, collaborative research has increased the overall survival rate for children’s cancer from 10% to 78%. At CureSearch, our goal is 100%.  You can help us reach our goal of a 100% cure rate.  Please consider donating to this cause.  We never dream of hearing the words "Your child has cancer" but, unfortunately, it can happen to any of us.

I am participating again on our clinic's team, HOTTIES of the OCC.  My personal page can be found here.  You can donate through my page or make a general donation to CureSearch.  And if you're not interested in donating to our walk, please consider donating to your local CureSearch fundraisers, local children's hospital, or local Ronald McDonald House.   

I know I ask for a lot of prayers for my patients, their families, and my coworkers.  I sincerely appreciate each and every prayer said in their memory.  It is my prayer that one day we find a cure for this horrible disease.  I pray that one day our children can be just that....children.

http://www.curesearch.org/

 

Remembering the Blessings

Heaven got another angel this morning.  Another sweet patient earned his angel wings and has left our staff devastated in the process.  We all grow so attached to our patients and their families that we grieve along side them.  Please add the doctors and nurses of All Children's Hem/Onc/BMT program to your prayer lists.  We all need to be surrounded in His arms during this tragic time.  As we all try to wrap our heads around what's happened, I can't help but think about all the things that I'm so blessed with in this life.

First and foremost, I'm so blessed to have my health.  Sure I've had some health problems but nothing that I cannot deal with.  I'm even more blessed to have healthy children.  I thank God every day for this.  I don't know what I'd do if one day I woke up and had to face what our families face every day. And I pray I never will.  But if I do, I pray that I can be strong like our families are.

I'm blessed to have my family.  I have a loving husband, two amazing children, and the best family anyone could ask for.  My parents have been amazing role models for my brothers and I.  I can only hope that one day, my kids will think that the Hubs and I have been just as amazing as they are.

I'm blessed to be able to provide for my family.  We have a lovely home and the ability to provide our children with not only the essentials (like food and shelter, etc) but we can provide our family with the experiences and memories that will last a lifetime.  I know that not every child grows up having an annual pass to Disney.  Heck, I didn't even have one as a child.  But I know that the price we pay for this fails in comparison to the memories we've made and will continue to make as a family.

Now more than ever, I'm blessed to have the job I have.  It's difficult on a daily basis. It's exhausting both physically and emotionally.  But I know that I'm making a difference in this world.  My patients are my heroes.  They are strong, resilient, inspiring, and full of life.  They are the reason I get up 4 days a week before the sun comes up to go to work.  At the end of the day, the paycheck doesn't matter.  It's the drawings, the homemade cards, and the pictures that are worth more than my paycheck.  It's the photo albums full of little bald heads. These kids are what matters.  I am truly blessed that I can play a small role in their big lives.

As I sit here tonight, at a loss for words over the loss of this patient, I can't help but smile because he was such a beautiful soul.  He never lost that childhood innocence even though he had gone through so much.  He found joy in the little things in life.  He had a smile that could light up a room.  He was one of my heroes.  
     

Happy Nurses Week!!!

While this week is National Nurses Week, May 6th was Nurses Day.  This is a favorite week for me because the hospitals I have worked for usually do a pretty good job celebrating the nurses who work there.  This year, ACH gave us all Tervis Tumblers with the ACH/Johns Hopkins logo.  I am a huge lover of all things Tervis (I have no idea why) so I was totally on board this year!  I can't wait to use it!!!  But this week has also given me the opportunity to reflect on my 6+ years in this profession.  And how appropriate that Renee and Anna's link up occurs during Nurses Week!!!  Coincidence?  I think not.  Their link up has given me an opportunity once a month to really share my love of nursing with everyone and today is no different.

Today's topic is Why I Became a Nurse.


I kinda fell into nursing.  I never grew up dreaming about being a nurse.  I was going to be a pediatrician.  I had decided in elementary school that I was going to be a doctor.  Never once did I waiver in this.  I did flirt with the idea of being a physical therapist but never took it too seriously.  When I started my first year of college, I was a pre-med student.  I was plugging along, having way too much of a social life.  I was dating a guy who was taking organic chemistry and thought it was hard.  But I was on the med school track so I had to take it too.  The next semester, I registered, got about 1 week into the course and realized I had absolutely no clue what they were talking about and what I was supposed to be doing so I dropped the course.  That meant saying goodbye to my med school dreams.  I was okay with this because I was quite content with being overly involved in campus life and my job.  But when it finally dawned on me that I needed to actually graduate sometime before my thirties, I had to really reevaluate everything.  I knew I wanted to be in the medical field and I loved helping people so why not nursing?  My mom thought I was NUTS.  I was the girl that couldn't be around people throwing up because I'd join in.  I didn't like blood or needles or any of that.  How was I supposed to deal with all of that on a daily basis?  But my mind was made up and nursing school started a few months later and I've never looked back.  I know in my heart that I was called to be a nurse.  Yes, I said called.  I truly believe that this is God's plan for me and through this, I'm doing His work.  How much more rewarding can something be?!?

People say that work should not define a person.  I choose to disagree.  Being a nurse truly defines me as a person, just like being a wife and mother defines me.  It is the essence of who I am.  I am proud to call myself a nurse and proud of the work I do every day.

My nursing pinning ceremony

Pregnant with Em at work

One of our many parties....I have the best coworkers!

The best patients!

The most amazing angels!

And the best reasons to come to work every day!!!

    

If kids say the darndest things, what do their parents say???

The first Tuesday of the month is starting to be a fave of mine.  I'm linking up with Renee and Anna.  I love this monthly series because I get to share my experiences in my nursing life. This month's topic is "Things Patients Say."  You'd be amazed at what comes out of patients mouths.  Most of the time I'm thinking "are you for real" but most of the time I'm just shaking my head and laughing on the inside.  I'm fortunate enough to work with kids and we all know that kids say the funniest things.  But I also get to hear all the craziness that comes out of their parents mouths.  So without further adieu.......

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Let's start with the parents.  Sometimes they are completely normal.  Other times they are straight crazy.  These are just a few gems (the first is my favorite!)
Patient's mother: Miss Jessie (this is what she calls me)
Me: Yes
Mom: Will you take (insert pt's name here) on a date?  He's never taken a girl out on a date before so we want him to go out with you on a practice date
Me: ummmmmm (speechless and turning red)
Mom: we've set aside $300 for the date so wear something nice
Cue me walking out of the room and closing the door


This one gets me all the time.  Newly diagnosed patient comes to clinic for chemo.  When reviewing follow up appointments:
Me: Ok we'll see you tomorrow for chemo
Parent: we have to come back again?!?!?!
Me: well yes, we have to follow the roadmap and your child is due for chemo every day this week
Parent: every day?!?!?!!?
Me: um yes.  We want to really take care of this cancer and chemo's the way to go
Parent:  how many times do we HAVE to come here?
Me: well treatment lasts for over 3 years so a lot
Parent: Are you kidding me?!?!?!
What I want to say....For real?!?!  Your kid has cancer and you're complaining about having to come to the doctors for treatment?!?!  What's wrong with you???
What I actually say: Unfortunately I'm not kidding.  See you tomorrow!

Now, my favorite part....the kids.  My favorite age range is 2-5 years old.  For some reason this age group steals my heart.  I have a group of great patients in this age range that I affectionately refer to as my kiddos.

Patient: Miss Jessica
Me: Yes (insert name here)
Patient: you know what
Me: what
Patient: you're the boss!!!
This patient's mom told me this story first but I loved hearing him tell me it.  He was wearing pj's that said "I'm the boss" when he was on the inpatient unit.  One of the nurses said, "Oh (pt's name), you're the boss?" He replied, "No Miss Jessica's the boss!!!"  He's also the same patient that calls me Toots or Sweets or Sweetheart whenever he sees me.  He makes me love my job!

Let me set this one up....this next patient stole my heart. I was his nurse when we told his parents he had leukemia and he's been a fave ever since.  For Valentine's Day he brought all of us roses.  For St Patrick's Day he brought gold coins.  So on Valentine's Day his mom said:
Mom: What do you tell everyone?
Patient: Happy April Fools!!!
Fast Forward to St Patrick Day:
Mom: What do you tell everyone?
Patient: Happy April Fools!!!!
I can't wait to see what he'll say now that April Fool's Day has come and gone!


Patient: Can you please stop talking to my mom and finish.  I want to eat tacos
Her nurse was talking to her parents about how she's doing and obviously wasn't accessing her port in a timely manner


Patient: I am DONE with tubey (we affectionately refer to their ports and IV lines as their tubeys)
Me: I know.  We're done with tubey for the entire week.  Tubey will come back next week
Patient: No I mean I'm DONE with tubey forever because tubey is boring
This patient just finished her first week of treatment...she has a LOT more tubey left!

These are just some of the crazy things I hear.  I could go on and on.  Some are straight off the wall, like where did you come up with that statements.  Others are so unexpected they catch you off guard.  Just another reason why I love my job...you never know what you're going to hear!

A Brief Catch Up

Things in the Crimella household are quite interesting right now, for lack of a better term.  But that's for another day. I've been a huge slacker because I'm EXHAUSTED...like "need to hibernate for about 3 weeks in order to start feeling human again" exhausted.  If anyone knows how to make this a reality, head my way....STAT!

I didn't write about my weigh in on Tuesday so I figured I'd share it (I know you've all been on pins and needles waiting for this).  I'm down another 2.8lbs for a total of 13.2lbs in 4 weeks.  I am beyond thrilled.  Not only did we eat out every day for an entire week (Becca....my budget needs you), I was convinced I gained at least 2lbs.  I may have squealed a little on the scale when I saw the loss.  And the best part....I wore a pair of pants tonight that I could not zip 3 weeks ago.  Like they were loose!  I think I could get used to this!!!

Now it's off to bed so I can make it through tomorrow (I cannot wait for this week to be over).  Lots of fun scheduled for this weekend and boy could I use a distraction!!!

Oh, for my Tampa peeps.....Be The Match, the National Marrow Donor Program's donor registry, hosts 1K/5K events all over the country to raise awareness and funds for Bone Marrow Transplant patients.  Tampa is fortunate enough to be a part of this amazing series.  The first Be The One Run will be held on April 1st at Al Lopez Park.  I will be participating with my coworkers as we raise awareness for our amazing patients in need of bone marrow transplants. I would love it if you joined us!  You can either join our team (BMT Nursing-Giving for a Living) or create your own team. It will be a great event for an amazing cause.

  

At least it ended well

Sorry for the whole Debbie Downer thing earlier.  It's been a very emotional week for me and today was no different.  But I can say that it ended on such a great note!

I killed my lecture today!  I have been a little nervous about it because I hadn't prepared as much as I would have liked to and my topic wasn't the most thrilling topic to talk about for about 45 minutes {if you're wondering, I spoke about acute and chronic graft vs host disease, long term complications of bone marrow transplant, and the role of the ambulatory nurse...sounds really intriguing at 5pm on Friday night, right?} I was expecting about 4 people and a casual setting for the lecture but it turned out to be 11-15 people in a room with a huge projector and a podium!!!  Let me tell you...the nerves went through the roof. When I got there, I was comforted to see half the group were nurses I worked with on the inpatient unit.  When it was my turn, it all just came together.  I didn't use any of the speaker notes.  I didn't feel nervous at all.  I actually felt like I was an expert!  Now I don't know if the audience thought the same of my lecturing skills but from what I hear, I guess it didn't bore them to tears!  I'm so excited!! Nursing Education is an area of nursing that I can totally see myself in {if I ever get tired of my cancer kiddos...which I don't think I ever will!!!}

After my awesome lecture, we had a work dinner planned at Acropolis.  It was a great time!  I love me some Greek food but I loved the company more than anything.  I have a great group of friends from the inpatient unit that I still hang out with, even after I made the switch to the outpatient world, that I wouldn't replace for anything.  But there's something so refreshing about working with a group of people who genuinely get along and enjoy each other's company.  It's because of this that my transition to the clinic has been such a good one.  I was so nervous to leave my friends on the unit and the job that I was comfortable with, so I could start over with a group of people I only knew from taking report over the phone.  Every one of them welcomed me into the clinic family.  It's been a move that I have never regretted (no matter how miserable I may have seen this week).  It was nice to share a drink or 2 with the nurses and doctors I work with on a daily basis.  I am truly blessed!

And because I haven't shared a pic of my kiddos lately, here's a new thing going on in our house.  Em's back in this routine where she needs to be rocked before she goes to bed.  Noah, being the amazing big brother that he is, always offers to rock her to sleep.

Pretty soon they won't even want to talk to each other.  Guess I have to soak it all in now

  Hope everyone has a great weekend!!!
  

Frustration

I hate when I feel overwhelmed or frustrated.
I just hate it.
I also can't stand when work makes me feel that way.

Right now I'm having such a rough time.  I'm frustrated with so much lately.  I also feel guilty I'm feeling so upset.

I know that I am a great nurse.  I know that I'm good at what I do. I know that I put my heart and soul into everything I do for my kids and their families.  It just infuriates me when someone tries to make me feel like I don't.  {Please don't take that as me being cocky.  I just know I give 110% at my job because I LOVE it}

I don't like feeling this way.  I don't like being angry.  It just doesn't suit me.  And I feel bad for my family because I come home so emotionally spent that I can't enjoy my time with them.  And that's not fair.

I'm ready for the frustration to end.

I'm still here

Just wanted to pop in and say hey!  I'm still in the hospital but there's finally a light at the end of the tunnel.  After having so many tests and procedures (even a colonoscopy at the ripe old age of 29) I'm finally getting my gallbladder taken out tomorrow!!!  I don't know what time but all I know, my pain and nausea is finally going to be coming to an end.  This has been quite the experience, let me tell you.

Being stuck here for 5 days, away from my family, kids, and friends, has been pretty rough.  I'm hanging in there as best as I can.  I miss my kids so badly.  I look forward to 6:30 every night because I know I'll be getting my daily visit.  Just seeing them instantly takes my pain away.  Saying goodbye to them is so much harder on me than it is for them.  Thats been a hard thing to deal with.  Not seeing the Hubs is hard too, although its harder on him right now.  Poor guy can't sleep while I'm here.  I'm not sleeping either but at least I have drugs that help me fall asleep.  I miss just hanging out with him, even if he does drive me totally INSANE whenever I'm sick or in the hospital. I love you baby!

It's also been frustrating to understand why everything has played out the way it is.  We've all known all along that my pain has been from my gallbladder however, my gallbladder has decided to make things difficult.  All my testing have been completely negative.  So by exam and clinical presentation, I need it out.  But my imaging, there's no reason why it has to come out.  That is why I'm still here.  I've had every GI test I could have to rule every other reason out for my pain.  I don't have ulcers.  I don't have ulcerative colitis, crohns, diverticulitis, etc.  So thankfully, I have a great surgeon who is finally ready to take it out.  But that's not why its frustrating.  Its frustrating to completely understand the thought process behind this ordeal.  I get that a surgeon cannot go and cut open a patient without concrete evidence of a cause.  I totally understand that.  There's a lot of things I do in my nursing career that's based on a gut feeling but none of those things involve cutting a patient open and removing an organ.  This is the time that I wish I didn't have a medical background.  I wish I could just be mad and frustrated that I've been in here for almost 5 days, having test after test, just watching the bill increase and increase.  But I can't.  Yes I can be frustrated (and I am) but I get it.

More importantly, I have learned so much about myself as a nurse from being in the hospital.  I've been in the hospital before since becoming a nurse but never for this long.  I have been fortunate enough to have had amazing nurses (minus one) while being here. Without their excitement, personality, and genuine interest in my care, I would be a horrible mess.  These girls (and guy) take time out to really talk to me and see how I'm doing.  I have had the best nurse the past 2 nights.  She's pretty much a younger version of me.  Loud, outgoing, fun.  I just love her!  She even got in trouble last night because we were talking to loud.  We were just having a great time talking about random things (we've worked at the same hospitals, she applied to 7S a few months ago...didn't get the job, which was a HORRIBLE decision.  She would have been such an asset to 7S).  It's just been fun.  The fact that they are taking time out of their busy shifts to make sure I feel at home and comfortable has meant the world to me.  It's also made me realize how much of an impact I might have in my patient/family's experience.  Taking the extra time to pop in to see them, to spend the time getting to know them, and just giving them the opportunity to talk to someone, really does make a hospital experience a little easier.  It makes me feel good that the way I'm feeling right now as a patient is the way I could be making my patients feel.  Never in a million years did I think I'd get this much personal growth/discovery from this situation. 

Thank you to all the amazing people at Largo Medical Center.  Thanks for putting up with my crazy.  Thanks for dealing with all my visitors.  Thanks for making it feel a little less stressful for me. 

I took a pic on my phone that I was going to post here of me in my hospital bed but my email app doesn't want to work since my email got hacked 2 weeks ago.  So lucky for you guys, you don't have to see my hot mess self!!!

Wish me luck tomorrow!  I can't wait to be organ-less!!!

The last year of my Twenties

Yesterday was my 29th birthday.  I had to work :(  Normally I don't work on my birthday...isn't it a national holiday?!?  Ok back to reality, it's just any other day.  I wasn't able to take the day off so I complained about working all week but decided Thursday that I wasn't going to complain at all on my birthday about working.  And I'm glad I didn't.  It turned out to be one of my favorite birthdays ever! 

The day started with a pink feathery tiara, courtesy of my coworkers.  I got a birthday message on the assignment board that got more and more decorated as the day went on.  I had mentioned my birthday to one of my patients about a month ago and they remembered (which doesn't surprise me at all).  I was greeted with a birthday song, a dozen yellow roses, and a bag of Hershey Kisses. Super sweet of them.  Then another patient, who last week was finally starting to warm up to us (I took advantage last week to learn everything about her because it was the first time she spoke to us), went out birthday shopping for me.  She picked out everything (she's 4 keep in mind).  She thought I needed to be a birthday princess so she got me a tiara too, which of course replaced the tiara my coworkers gave me.  She also got me some candy, nail polish, a notebook, fun pens, a Little Mermaid figure (she's my favorite), and a picture frame (which I told her would hold a picture of me and her).  She also colored me a picture which I instantly hung on my desk cabinet.  I don't know how I got so lucky!!!

Then we went to dinner at Red Lobster because Noah said that's where he wanted to go.  It was a nice, chaotic dinner, like every dinner with my kids.  But I wouldn't have traded it for the world. 

Today we have Emmy's birthday party so I'm gearing up to be immersed in all things Little Mermaid (this year's theme), Disney Princesses, and dress up.

Here's to my last year of my twenties!  I'm going to make sure this is my best year yet!!!

Let's put an end to pediatric cancer!

As I've stated before, I am a pediatric hematology/oncology/bone marrow transplant nurse.  What this means is I take care of kids with all types of cancer, blood disorders, and children who have bone marrow transplants.  It is the most emotionally draining work I've ever done but it is the most rewarding work I will ever do.  Every day I am reminded how lucky I am because I am fortunate enough to have healthy children. 

I have held the hands of parents who have been told their child has cancer.  I have celebrated with patients for their last chemotherapy treatments.  I have cried with them when they find out their cancer is back.  I have held the bucket for sick kids as they go through preparation for their bone marrow transplants.  I have been there when they are told they are a Survivor.  I have been in the conference when the doctors tell parents there's nothing else we can do.  I have been at the bedside, holding a child's hand, as they take their last breath.  I have done all of this with the hope that one day we will find a cure for this horrible monster that is taking the most amazing people from this earth. 

I know I ask for prayers a lot and I thank each and every one of you for the prayers said for my patients and their families.  I'm asking for help one more time. 

On September 24th, I will be participating in the Tampa Bay Area CureSearch Walk.  The CureSearch Walk celebrates and honors children whose lives have been affected by children’s cancer, while raising funds for the lifesaving research of the Children’s Oncology Group. This group of medical professionals treats more than 90% of children with cancer at over 175 hospitals in the United States.  These experts provide world-class care in communities across the country. All Children's Hospital (where I work) is one of these hospitals.


Every day, 35 children are diagnosed with pediatric cancer–7 of those children will not survive. Cancer is the #1 cause of death by disease in children. Although the cure rate is now 78%–up by 30% in the last 20 years–it is not good enough. Our goal is a 100% cure rate. 

You can help us reach our goal of a 100% cure rate.  Please consider donating to this cause.  We never dream of hearing the words "Your child has cancer" but, unfortunately, it can happen to any of us. 

I am a part of the team, HOTTIES of the OCC.  My personal page can be found here.  You can donate through my page or make a general donation to CureSearch.  And if you're not interested in donating to our walk, please consider donating to your local CureSearch fundraisers, local children's hospital, or local Ronald McDonald House.   


Again, I thank you all so much for the prayers said for my patients.  I pray that one day we will put an end to all pediatric cancers so our kids can be exactly that, kids.

Another prayer request

Prayers are needed again friends.  This is a horrible time right now for our practice.  Wednesday morning, God called another child home to be with Him.  Thursday, we found out a child, who was done with treatment, has horrible brain disease with no treatment options, and today, another little girl is fighting.  Please say prayers for these patients and their families, but also for the doctors and nurses who are doing all they can.  It's been a rough year for us and I just don't know how much more I can handle, emotionally. 

I hate to brag....

I'm usually not a huge bragger but I just have to pat myself on the back for this one.  I came home from work yesterday to find a enveloped addressed to me with a return label from the Chief Nursing Officer of the hospital I work for.  By seeing Hella's name, I instantly became worried.  Why would I be getting anything in the mail from Hella?  This is what's running through my head:  I hope I'm not getting fired.  Hella and I are on a first name basis, not because I'm in trouble (although I am known to cause my fair share of it) but because she's taking an active step to getting to know the "front line" leaders of the hospital (aka charge nurses).  So I open the envelope to find the standard ACH card.  Inside is a hand written note from Hella saying:

"Jessica- Just wanted to let you know you were recognized by your resident.  She stated you were an excellent role model.  Thank you for all you do to develop new nurses.  Hella"

I was floored that she actually took the time to write a little note.  I guess one of the girls I precepted thought I did a good job.  I just adore precepting and helping new nurses figure out their role as a nurse and how to become confident in their skills and knowledge.  It's nice to hear you're making a difference every once and a while.

Sorry to brag but I'm really honored and excited about my note!!!

A great week needs a great weekend

I survived my first week at my new job.  I went into clinic on Monday not knowing what to expect and with expectations set to the pretty low side.  I came out of Monday feeling excited about my new job change.  Fast forward to Friday (Yes!!!  I can now appreciate the value of Fridays) and I had the best week!  I didn't dread my alarm each morning, came to work with a smile each day, and even had time in the morning to actually do my hair (I usually would jump out of the shower, towel it enough so it's not dripping all over me, and threw it in a ponytail.  I've now worn my hair down for 3 days...monumental feat). 

Everyone has been super nice and super helpful.  I was even invited to Happy Hour on my first day there!  A group of people that work together and hang out together...such a breath of fresh air.  But what makes my new job even better is seeing all of my patients from years ago.  I saw a patient that I took care of a ton when he was not even 2.  Now he's 4, looks absolutely amazing, and has a head ful of curls.  Seeing someone like him makes everything I do worth it.  It makes the hurt we feel when we lose a patient to this horrible beast a little more bearable because of how many kids do so well. 

I'm now enjoying my first real weekend off.  I think I can get used to this.  One of the girls at work reminded me to turn off my alarm last night since I don't need to wake up.  Such a novelty now!!! 

Oh and for everyone wondering, I got all of my laundry folded!  It took me a while but it's done.  Now I just have to put my part of it away.  The Hubs (who surprises me all the time when he talks about what I've written on here...who would have thought he'd actually read this) couldn't believe I would write about my lack of laundry folding skills but why not?  I'm sharing my weight loss with you, my life's journey with you, why not my inability to fold laundry?  :)

Hope y'all have a great weekend!!!

I survived!!!

I survived my last day of work.  I was determined to make it through the day without crying but that was ruined at 6:45 AM....yes....AM.  Two of my dear coworkers (night shifters) decided to see how quickly they could make me cry.  I think I lasted all of 10 seconds.  Mission accomplished.  Good thing I love those two.  Otherwise, I'd be mad!

The girls planned a surprise "last day of work" party filled with mexican lasagna, bean/corn salad, other yummy dips, and cupcakes!  MFP took a day off today (although I think I was doing good on my calories until the red velvet cupcake).  I'm sure it will yell at me tomorrow for not logging my intake.  This is a prime example of why I'm so upset about leaving the unit.  I have amazing coworkers who went out of their way to make my last day special.  I even got a banner, just like we make for our kiddos who finish chemo!  I truly am blessed to know these women. 

Man....it's 1am already.  I have a 5am wake up call for my 5K.  In a few short hours, you can call me Iron Girl!!!

It's Bittersweet.....

First things first....can I just say how in LOVE I am with the My Fitness Pal app?!?!!?  I don't know how I lived life before this.  It is so similar to the points system for WW and tracking.  I think this will definitely help me in my weight loss challenge.  Plus, I'm in love with scanning the barcodes and having the info magically show up on my screen.  Easy Peasy!

Ok.  Now that's out of the way. On to the important stuff....

Me and change don't get along too well.  Actually I pretty much despise any significant change.  I stress out about hair color and styles (probably why my color's all grown out and my hair is in such a horrible state). I stress over pretty much everything.  So one can only imagine how much I'm freaking out about my HUGE change that's occuring right now. 

I have worked at All Children's for 3.5 years now on the oncology unit.  I have stuck with it when I thought I absolutely hated hem/onc (and actually I love it).  I've worked with the most amazing group of people this whole time and made some of the greatest friends.  All in all, I've had a wonderful time.  However, its time for a change.  My family and my marriage have suffered in the 5 years that I've been a nurse.  12 hour shifts are great but they come with strings attached.  Mandatory holidays, mandatory weekend requirements, shifts that turn into 13-15 hours shifts.  All of this made my life a little bit harder. So when the opportunity to move to our outpatient clinic presented itself, I had to take advantage of it. 

Starting Monday, I will be starting at the Hem/Onc/BMT outpatient clinic at All Children's.  Location-wise, it's not a big move.  Just across the street.  Patient population-it's the same.  I'll be taking care of the same patients I've been taking care of in the hospital setting.  But I'll be seeing the ones who are almost done with their cancer treatment.  Ones that we haven't seen in the hospital in months (and even years for some kids).  Hours-AWESOME!!!  I'll be working 4 10hr shifts/week.  No weekends or holidays.  Translation: I'll see my kids each night before they go to bed and I'll be able to spend the weekends and holidays at home, where I want to be more than anything.  The Hubs is so thrilled for this schedule.  He can't wait to be able to see me and do stuff.  I'm just excited that I won't have to miss family events, birthdays, get togethers, etc because I have to work on the weekends.  Oh and I get my own desk!  And I'll even have my own phone number with my name on caller ID.  How cool is that?!?

The trade off for all of these wonderful things I just listed.....CHANGE.  Cue the tears, anxiety, hives (yes I'm a loser and break out in hives from stress. Go ahead, call me a weirdo....I'm ok with it).  I have to learn a whole new system, work with a whole new group of girls, and most importantly, I have to leave all my friends on 7S.  That is going to be the hardest part.  I am not looking forward to tomorrow.  I'm sure I'll end up crying at some point and I'm sure I'll be questioning the decision all day long.  I am not looking forward to it at all.  And I can only imagine how I'll be Monday morning.  My new boss is already making fun of me because I've asked her 100 times where I need to go and how to get there.  I'm sure I won't sleep and will have an upset stomach, and be a Nervous Nelly.  But I know way down deep, this is exactly what I am supposed to be doing. God gave me this opportunity to grow as a woman, nurse, mother, and wife.  How could I not take Him up on it?

Now that you know how crazy I am, you must be thinking, "how is she going to survive until Monday?"  Well I can easily answer that.....avoidance.  Yes my go-to defense mechanism.  Why deal with it when you can avoid it!  So I have filled my day today with housework, blog stalking (in a non creepy way!!!), maybe a nap, and probably a run.  I work tomorrow then wake up really early on Sunday to run the IronGirl 5K at Clearwater Beach before heading to Parrish to ride on Thomas the Train (who really creeps me out but my son loves him.  The sacrifices I make because I'm a cool Mommy).  Then a new chapter in my life begins.  I'm sure I'll have nothing but great things to fill you in on after my first shift on Monday! 

So to honor my time on 7S, here are a few pics of my favorite moments:

Some great memories with the staff of 7S...there's always a lot of food and funny costumes

With some of my patients over the years..some cancer free, some still fighting and some earned their angel wings

   With all joking aside, I'm excited to make this change.  Yes, I'm really nervous and anxious but that's good.  It makes it exciting. 

I can't wait for my 5K this weekend and spending time with some of my amazing sisters!!!

Have a great weekend friends!!!